Trivial uncertainty
by otpbabyformula2
Summary: Rick Grimes and Michonne Adams are dormmates... until they aren't just that, after hours of sharing their secrets to each other and the dimlight of their dormrooms, they fumble and swear off it happening again. But is that possible? Can they navigate knowing all that they know? Or do they have to learn to let go. (AU)
1. The beginning

Chapter 1:

7 months, take a few days. Michonne thought as she looked at Negan, his body slightly sculpted from the gym membership he had taken up 3 months ago. That's how long we've been together.

 _She had met him by choice, allowing herself to look into his eyes as he sat on the couch with a beer in his hands, the smug look on his face all too enticing for her broken heart.  
Her guard had been up since her previous long term "relationship" with her childhood sweetheart had ended abruptly, his sudden distance making sense to her._

' _It's not you, it's me.' He had said, trying to wipe tears from her eyes as she stubbornly swatted his hand away. 'We've just grown up and grown apart, I'm sorry.'  
Mike was a nice guy, always had been, that was what had drawn them together. Her feisty bite and his ability to settle it worked well, and so did the fact that their mothers were very good friends. It almost seemed too good to be true and then it was, and it had crushed her, the low and dirty because the year of their lives had begun. The seriousness of the future, the dreams, the further education.  
They had talked about it together, where they would go, what they would do with the freedom in front of them before they were split apart by the universities hoped to pick – all of them were miles away from each other.  
'We can make it work right?' Michonne her said, her eyes hopeful as they sat in his car after a heavy make out session and the fogged windows surrounded them. In that moment, she had thought nothing of his silence but accepted his smile. _

_And they hadn't made it work._

 _Which had led her to the party, where Negan sat looking like he owned the world.  
It had been Maggie's idea, her incessant nattering through the day of what she would wear and how she would be alone if Michonne did not come.  
"My parents won't let me." Trying to lie caused a chip to fly into Michonne's lap from Maggie's plate.  
"You're lying because I know they trust you wherever you go." Maggie's eyes glistened. "You have to be there, or I'll look lame in front of Glenn and I've been trying to get with him for weeks. Weeks! A girl has needs."_

 _Thinking about her own needs had led her to the party also._

 _And had given her the confidence to keep the conversation going._

" _So you're a smart one then?" Negan jostled, bringing the beer can to his lips. Her eyes fixated on his Adam's apple that moved as he drank.  
"I wouldn't say smart, Mr. Businessman." She smirked, bringing her vodka and orange juice to her lips.  
They had been tiptoeing around each other in conversation for half an hour, the background dim in comparison to the racing of their hearts. It had been exciting and new to Michonne, the sudden rush of flirting after never having thought about it for years. Negan watched her like she was candy, something to be devoured but savoured and it killed her in many ways. _

_It led to holding hands as they walked up the stairs, Michonne finding Maggie's eyes just before she locked lips with Glenn and giving her a subtle thumbs up.  
It had led to fumbled kissing, but no clothes being lost because it seemed as though Negan her hesitation. And the respect in that led to them swapping numbers, to going on dates, to dry-humping and oral sex around each other's houses whenever their parents weren't home, until they were confident enough that what they had before was sustainable and respectable enough for them to become official._

"Michonne?" He questioned as they stood together at the edge of the bed. "You phased out?"  
"Sorry, I'm just thinking about our relationship."  
"Ball and chain!"

She hit him, rolling her eyes. "Stop saying that, it's makes me worried."  
"About the future… well we don't know the future, so what's the point in being worried?"  
"I'd feel better if you at least gave me some form of hope."

Sometimes she wondered about them, whether she was wasting time, throwing away the possible beginning of university that everyone talks about. The parties, the messy kisses, would she miss out?  
But then he would do something, like bring her favourite cupcake in for lunch or laugh with her mother and she'd just… forget it.

"You don't need hope when I kiss you like this."

There it was, the change. As intoxicating as it was, it would always bug her mind to no end, but her body would detour and allow him to have affect as he kissed down her neck and moved against her, causing her hips to buck against him.  
Then he would enter her, a single moan escaping both of them every time they joined and moved against each other. Sometimes he moved too fast too quickly, the inexperience there and still ever-present.

She had lost her virginity to him, shy because they both didn't know what they were doing – which surprised her as Negan seemed so confident in herself.

More times than none, Michonne would be in grasp of an orgasm, the eye-fluttering kind that could take someone's breath away and that all woman learned to do with their fingers. But he would finish and fall flat, panting on her stomach, leaving her unsatisfied… but content.

A confused kind of content that didn't quite fill her stomach.

And still when he asked, 'was it good', she would produce a white lie that she would ask God to forgive her about later and say 'yeah'.

Then she'd go back to wondering if they'd survive, despite her heart still beating for him.

* * *

Rick Grimes sat looking at his childhood sweetheart, his mind had been fighting him on the word 'sweet' recently, and he didn't know why.

Or he did, but he just didn't want to seem like the bad guy.

She had been vocal about how distant he had been – if you count being overly passively aggressive as vocal.

It was an age old story, parents who were close had kids of the opposite gender who spent so much time around each other that it morphed into… love.  
Or something like that.  
A month or so ago, Rick Grimes would have been able to call it that with pride and a lace of happiness. But he didn't know what changed. They would still hold hands, but his heart just wouldn't beat as strongly as it used to.

He put it down to fear. Fear of the unknown and the future before them.

The impending doom of university and the distance it presented had been resonating with him recently.

"Sweetheart, you look tense." Lori crawled over to him, placing herself on his lap. This was how it always started, her voice higher pitched than normal and her on his lap, then they would roll over and shuffle their underwear off until he finished in missionary.  
Missionary only.

 _Shane often laughed when Rick complained about it._

' _You mean to tell me, you just can't tell her?' Shane said slapping his knee, the tears of laughter starting to crawl out of his eyes.  
'I tried! The last time she cried saying I didn't find her attractive.'  
'Yeah, they get you like that.' Shane sighed, pressing a dramatic hand on his friends shoulder. 'University soon, same dorm and all. I won't tell if you get a side piece. Heck! I'll even help you break up with Lori if it allows you to have no guilt whilst hitting someone from the back!'_

 _Shane's high five was not matched._

' _I can't cheat on my girlfriend… we've been together for years.' Rick had commented whilst the thought ran across his mind. 'Especially not over sex… it's just shallow.'  
'Listen, a man has needs. It's okay not be sexually compatible.'  
Rick contemplated his statement. 'I need that to come from someone else for me to believe it.'  
Shane's face had screwed up like a wasted idea on lined paper. 'What'd you mean?'_

 _Saying 'You're one of the shallowest people I know' let Rick receive a bruise on his arm that didn't disappear for a week._

What would university have in stall for them?

She seemed so devoted, talking about how they would see each other twice a week - only being 2 hours away from each other – and how she would cook and bake for him, whatever he liked.  
'Adults, living our lives together.'

The permanent way she had said it, like they were destined for forever had rubbed him a long way when he thought about the opportunities ahead of them – him especially – to step out of their comfort zones and become more.  
He hadn't ever been much, always quiet and reserved, and only was known because of his affiliation with Shane the captain of the football team – it was a weird one that had begun way back in childhood when Shane had needed saving from a bunch of bullies… weird how the roles reversed soon after.

But university meant becoming much more… and he worried that helicopter girlfriending would ruin it.

But he didn't let on as he kissed her back, the same kiss, no tongue ever finding one another, no form of experiment.  
Kissing anywhere around her ears was off bound, as she found it gross and her hands and her mouth rarely found the time to wrap around him.

Rick wished there was a way to tell her to move as he entered her, to moan with more want in her voice, to wrap her legs around him and trace her fingers lightly up and down his spine as they screwed or made love or whatever.

The looming suddenness of university was right around the corner and it found his mind then, making him stop and pull out of her.  
"What's wrong?" The tears were already welling in her eyes.  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He pitifully replied as he willed for himself to grow from his flaccid state so they could continue the tango that only one of them seemed to enjoy.

* * *

A/N: After the intensity of my last fanfiction, I wanted something light (ugh... I guess we can call this lighter as there's no marriage involved) and quicker to write. With still enough drama.

Again, I hope you'll stick with me... and these poor two in quite unsatisfying relationships.


	2. The introduction

**A/N:** **Medical school is kicking my behind, so thank trinirichonnetrash for this update (because boy I had written half of this and was about to leave it until like June 15th BUT good reviews and messages are my weakness that INFLUENCE ME - I'm weak gosh damn it). **  
**Also guys I really wanted this to be fast burn, but in real life, is fast burn even possible? Therefore, I have to character build so bear with me...**

* * *

The day had come quickly, Michonne's heart racing from the minute she was dragged out of her sleep, the impulse quick and fiery in her chest.  
Her parents wasted no time – more so her mother – in making sure that she had everything she required.  
"Breakfast?"  
"Yes mum."  
"Mini grill?"  
"Yes mum."  
"Notebooks?"  
"Seriously?"  
It was back and forth constantly until Michonne was left to look around the room that she had always occupied, the lilac on the walls, the pictures she had to tear down to bring with her and the faint print of blue tack that was left behind.  
It tugged at her heart strings momentarily, until her fathers urgent voice grumbled about her not being in the car, not to mention the constant nagging in his ear from her mother.

The car ride was bleak, the songs in the background were those of upbeat gospel music that matched the racing of Michonne's excited heart and yet… there was a sadness that enveloped them like cling film.  
The fear of the unknown plagued her.

Would she make enough friends?

Would she like her professors?

Would she like her classmates?

Would she succeed?

The last one caused a turn in her stomach, for Michonne had always been on a trajectory to be better and better. The work load associated with University was never played down and she hoped, the kind of hope that people get on their knees for, that she would always be among the stars.  
And before she knew it, the energy of waking up so early in the morning after a summer so free had rocked her to sleep in the back of the car and she was left to wake up to the sound of chatter and laughter.

"Come on Michonne, you've got to move." Her dad looked back, the soft pat of his hand repetitive on her knee.

* * *

Her parents only stayed for a little while, the almost hysterical buzz of her mother made her father roll his eyes jokingly and whisper his goodbyes.

"You can come home any time. And remember…" Her mother began to say, placing her hand on the side of Michonne's face.  
"I am smart and beautiful, I know mama."

But as she sat down once they left, the quietness of the room made her feel small and unsure. She was sure that with all the youtube videos she had watched, she was now meant to wait until everyone was here and then knock on their doors or something like that.  
Or would it be too pushy?  
She didn't know.

Her phone hadn't buzzed, so she'd assumed that both Negan and Maggie were busy pushing through with their lives. Were they already out and about doing things? Did she need to be out and doing things?

Michonne shook her head and pursed her lips, _'No, this thing has to go.'_

And she was right.

The streak that had always followed her, the competitive streak that left her unhappy and constantly in a state of comparison needed to be removed from who she was as a being.  
And she hoped that somehow stepping on University soil would have stopped that, but here it was ever present. There would have to be more work done internally to mould her into the woman she wanted to be.  
Often, when times like these wandered into her mind she would walk and readjust herself to who she knew she was. But now, in the small of her room and the unknown of the outside, she didn't want to do that.

 _'Right, let's go, let's go and knock on some doors',_ she tried to convince herself.

This lasted for 10 minutes until there was a soft, but quite urgent rap on her door.

The muscles of her heart seized as she walked towards the door.

* * *

Rick:

The day had started messily, paired with the fact that Lori had made it her mission to see him the night before going, which gave Rick less than 4 hours to sleep.  
Shane and Rick's parents decided to follow each other as they drove up, Rick receiving multiple texts about all the 'hot chicks' Shane was ready to catch in the first few weeks.

 _Rick: Am I still wrong for calling u shallow_

 _Shane: Shallow is sticking ur dick in something & not leaving it out of loyalty_

 _Rick: I'm ignorin u_

His phone pinged with messages from Lori also but he steadily ignored them, focusing on the passing greenery and wondering how many moments in life would feel like this. Like a ball in your throat, or a stomach punch, or something you cannot control.  
It mimicked when he had first gotten with Lori, the disbelief that she had picked him to be with her when all the other posh boys hands were reaching for her, while his reached for a shovel with his father.

But that feeling wasn't there anymore and it stuck to him like shame.

 _Shane: U seen the hot chicks we have with us?_

 _Rick: Uh…?_

 _Shane: Nah man, the black chick and that white 1_

 _Rick: Am I gonna like where this convo is going_

 _Shane: Im just thinkin who u'd bone in our flat tbh_

Before he could reply, he received another text message from Shane.

 _Shane: yh I know ur loyal ass wont but if u could, who would u?_

 _Rick: I don't have to answer this_

 _Shane: ok_

 _Shane: well im tryna get to know em_

 _Rick: y u telling me_

 _Shane: so u can knock on every1s doors later and invite them for a get together_

 _Rick: u cant do it because_

 _Shane: im the jock so every1 suspects that I have ulterior motives_

Rick had scoffed at it originally, not bothering to respond but instead to chuckle and lean his head back as his parents played their old country tunes and spoke among themselves.  
But as he sat in his room Shane had barged in, his hands clenched in a fist and his face not looking any happier (it lit up like a Christmas tree when they had come on campus).

"Shane, you were serious?" He nodded. "Come on, you want to get booty through pizza? Your game is weak." Rick joked, closing the page of the book he was reading.  
"Yeah and you're so whipped on your girl your sat in here reading a book." He moved to place his hands on Rick's shoulders and look into his eyes. "It's university, we're better than this."

Rick rolled his eyes, causing Shane to sigh in a deep frustration. "Dude fine if you don't do it, I will. But I will set you up so bad you'll hate me."

The threat was accepted and the intense stare from Shane caused Rick to roll off of the bed and check himself in the mirror. He knew Shane was smirking behind him as he did so, as though it was a tale-tale sign that he was interested in devious activities.  
Admittedly, he had looked at her facebook profile picture and took into account that not only did she have a nice face, but a nice firm body too. When he had added her, he received 21 questions from Lori in a night that backfired after he questioned all of hers in the same manner.

Still, he was a guy and any girl who looked even remotely attractive on his radar was going to see the best haired, non scruffed version of what he could be, just so he felt better about himself.  
Giving Shane one final look of disgust over his shoulder, he finally left the room. Thankfully, they were living right opposite each other and it meant that it didn't give his mind enough time to fuck up the words in head.

"Hey," he said after he knocked softly, "It's Rick." He was suddenly aware of the inescapable soft twang that would present itself as they spoke.  
Funnily enough, ever since getting with Lori, he hadn't been able to speak to many girls and it worked both ways - possibly due to the fact that Lori sent them daggers every time they were close.  
His inexperience around just 'female companions' was his reason for why his palms were a little too damp for his liking.

"Heya," the chirp in her voice was warm and reminded him of the way birds wake you up in the spring. It warmed him, making him relax his shoulders and lean a little. "W-whats up?" The slight stutter calmed him even more, allowing him to know that she was nervous. Maybe not for the same 'inexperienced' reason, but just in general.  
"So uh, we're opposite neighbours and I was just gonna go knocking around to see if anyone wanted to order pizza later? Like meet in the kitchen around-" He looked at his watch, "7?"

"Sure!" Her response was quick and excited, and he could tell by the way she shrunk back on herself she thought the same too. But it was nice to have someone unashamed of what they felt and it made such a contrast to Lori already, who played passive aggressively until you managed to decipher just what was required of you.

And it was an ugly thing to realise and pick up on in the moment, because it got saved in the bank at the back of Rick's mind that showed itself whenever Lori did something to make him doubt what they were.

"That's cool then."

They teetered there in an awkwardness, Rick's mouth opening and closing as he tried to find something to say. Michonne's foot tapped with the anxiety that flowed in her blood stream and she waited for anything to come from her brain.

As if on cue, Shane stepped boldly out of Rick's room and towards Michonne, extending an arm.

"Hey, I'm Shane, Rick's best friend." He rested himself confidently on her door frame after they shook hands, Rick looking for the gleam in her eyes that often showed with females who were stark struck by Shane. "You wanna come knock on the rest of the doors with us? We haven't met the rest of our flatmates."

Rick's lips tugged into a grimacing line.

* * *

Michonne looked at her ceiling, almost laughing at the blankness of it and how it compared to the vibrance of her room. Looking at her phone, she estimated she had been tossing and turning for a while, her usual routine of falling asleep around 11pm shattered.  
The parties started tomorrow, the thought of them hugging her chest walls tightly with excitement. Yet, the nerves of what was going to unfold tomorrow irked her and made her eyes flutter right back open whenever she tried to close them.

It wasn't simple, always holding your head up high with confidence. It had always been hard for her to build friendships, she often found that people would look at her and already use buzzwords towards her character – which she always had the misfortune of finding out when they realised she was "nice" and not "bossy" or "independent" as they would say.

The rest of the flat had joined in with the pizza – thankfully, her mental budget for food really required that – and at first it was awkward. But isn't meeting a bunch of strangers awkward for the first time always awkward? Trying not to trip over your own words, or interrupt others, or spit too much when talking or laugh too loud… yeah, it's a right struggle.  
But characters were already showing themselves… take Shane for example, typical cocky dude who knew what he was worth and wouldn't settle for less – or even anything on par with him to be entirely honest.

Or take Sasha, who also knew what she was worth and deflected every look that Shane threw her way in a confident play of tag that he wanted her to participate in. Michonne liked her, especially when she cornered her off to the side and squealed at the fact there was another black girl in the flat – yeah, she didn't have social media, so she wasn't ever present in any of th group chats they had established once figuring out they were all living together… _Maybe her vagueness enticed Shane_ , Michonne thought.

Then you had Andrea, who upon opening the door looked more flustered than anything else. But at the mention of pizza her face broke into a smile, and she apologised for the way she had opened the door. '"I'm just unpacking,"' she said, wiping her forehead. '"And I carried a whole lot more than I should have."' Although, she didn't accept the hands that were offered to her, which made Michonne like her confidence.

And then there was Rick, who Michonne noticed didn't speak as much – and when he did, it was to throw in a dismissive comment to Shane's attitude or make a wise crack joke himself. But she liked him, the brightness of his eyes, the sharpness of his jaw, the aura that clung to him with such a soft gentle light that you couldn't help but feel mellowed out.

They were a mix of people and sitting at that table, she had felt positivity – the wonder of whether your dorm mates would be dumb as a rock and ignorant usually hovered in everyone's mind and in every forum she read before coming to university.

Head in the clouds and worrying about tomorrow, Michonne wandered into the kitchen, the boredom forcing her mouth to want to be distracted with food. Hovering in the fridge – which thank goodness there was enough room because if she couldn't store her yogurt there would have been hell to pay – she jumped at the sound of the door swinging.

"Sorry," Rick commented, looking like a deer in headlights, with bedhead that wasn't at it's full capacity. He rubbed his eyes like he had arrived from a long nap.  
"It's okay… did you just wake up?" Michonne drew her eyes back to the fridge but felt heat in her cheeks. She had never dressed 'comfortable' around people she didn't know (comfortable being short pyjama shorts, a top and no bra – _gosh damn it how could she forget that?!_ ).

"Haha, yeah, managed to get about twenty mins sleep but I guess my body just wants me awake." He went to sit at the table as Michonne picked a blueberry yogurt pot before finding a spoon. There was as slight hesitation on her part, where her eyes flickered towards the door and towards her chest area. Could she make an excuse to go get a bra? Or would the sudden obvious change let him know that she was aware that he may have been aware and make this awkward? _Why was meeting someone for the first time so awkward?_

"So what'd you think of our dorm?" Rick commented, not directly looking at her but the wall over her shoulder. Michonne smirked and made her way to sit down, immediately ripping off the plastic for her yogurt pot.  
"It's alright… we still have to learn each other's ways though."

"What'd you mean?"  
"Who's the unclean one? Who's the one that's really loud in the middle of the night? Who's the clean freak… which will probably be me." Smiling in her spoon, Michonne watched a grin break out onto his face.  
"You were reading online forums about types of housemates, weren't you?"

"Never!" Michonne sarcastically remarked, rolling her eyes and laughing. "Are you going out tomorrow?"  
"Shane's going to make me."  
"You guys seem close, how long have you been friends?"  
"Years upon years, I know he sounds like an idiot sometimes but he's alright." Rick shrugged. "What about you, you going out tomorrow?"  
"Hoping to, have no one to go with yet." She finished the last of her yogurt, her eyes immediately getting droopy now that her stomach was full, and her mind felt calmer. Leaning on her elbows, she held her head in her hands and marvelled at the length of Rick's eyelashes, whilst simultaneously hating her own.

"… Should we all go together?" Michonne's eyes squinted at his request, making him take a deep breath and his cheeks puff red at the brash statement he just made. "No… I uh… am not saying that wouldn't be nice but like I have like … kind of… a girlfriend."  
Michonne laughed, swatting at the air. "Don't worry, my hearts not broken, I have a boyfriend too… and I got what you meant." Standing up, Michonne reached up towards the sky, momentarily forgetting the lack of a bra she was sporting and the embarrassment she felt that came with it until she realised Rick's eyes were not on her, but the wall behind her.

"Well…" she sighed, "I'm off, goodnight!"  
"Goodnight Michonne."  
Sometimes, it felt good to hear her full name on anyone's tongue. The shortening of it to 'chonne' or 'mich' happened so frequently, she missed the way her full name sounded.

After binning her yogurt pot and chucking her spoon in the sink, her hand hovered on the door handle. "You know, as a girlfriend myself, you really gotta say you have a girlfriend with more confidence." It was a joke that resulted in Rick squeezing the bridge of his nose and sighing.  
"It's uh… difficult?"

Michonne nodded, pulling the door slightly. "Well if we keep meeting around this time, maybe I'll learn all about it."

* * *

 _Lori: Hey my lovely I miss you and I can't wait to ring you tomorrow love u lots xoxoxoxo_

Rick wondered what to reply.

 _Negan: Hey babes things r going good Ill call u tomoz if I got the time u no how it is luv u_

Michonne replied in a heartbeat.


	3. The relationship

**Hey everyone!**

* * *

The soft buzz on Michonne's phone on the floor of Rick's room was her final alarm, warning her that she only had 5 hours left to sleep before having to get up for her morning class.

"I've been telling you to sleep since twelve 'Chonne, you can't blame me." Rick chimed, his eyes red from the lack of sleep that had accumulated much more this week than any week prior.

A month had passed since the first night the whole flat went out as freshers to a party, and the night had ended with Michonne in his room, both of them sober and not tired after putting a puking Shane and Sasha to bed.  
Michonne remembered the mess of them both so clearly that night.

 _How the night had started with silly games like beer pong on their kitchen table, all of them shocked at how Andrea seemed to gulp the red cups down one after the other and not sway on her feet._

 _Both Rick and Michonne had reiterated in slurred voices that they had to stop before they couldn't even make it to the club… or dorm party… whichever one they were trying to go to that night. But they were still smiling, the comforting warmth of alcohol dilating their veins and making them feel invincible._

 _They had made their way first to a dorm party, where the alcohol was a lot less than the amount they had left on their kitchen table. Shane couldn't control his mouth enough to whisper and dissed the 'poor fucking excuse of a party' and ran away with a red cup as though it was a trophy.  
It seemed at one point on the walk to this dorm party, the alcohol had coddled Andrea as she wafted their hands whilst they pulled her from a guy she barely knew, leaving her to pout. _

_Then they finally made it to the club, holding their breath and trying to walk in the straightest line they could past the bouncers until they were safely in the heap of messy, salty bodies.  
The night went on, Michonne swatting away boys who's hands grabbed her waist without permission and Rick avoiding eye contact with girls who looked to eager.  
"What's going on? I thought you and your girl were complicated?" Michonne had said, her hips swirling to the rhythm of the music as she faced him. _

" _Still cheating if we're together." He shrugged, the room only slightly spinning with every step he took. "You know… I can't dance." Rick laughed with drunken confidence.  
"It's okay, no one can tell, it's too dark." She winked at him then as the tempo of the song changed and she swirled her hips faster, grabbing the attention of nearby boys with hungry eyes and a wayward stick. _

_Rick had been tempted to show her off then, act like he was saving her from all of them somehow, just so he could see the jealousy in their eyes.  
Back home, he was all too used to the jealousy that came with Lori, but he knew she wouldn't be seen as a dime here and that… that shifted something shallow in him – for which he was sorry for. But Michonne, having her on his arm… man, that'd be like something out of a movie. _

_A movie that wouldn't happen because Shane came crashing into him, a drunken slur with remnants of sick breath that presented itself before every word that left his mouth. "Yo man, I think…. I thinksh we gotta goo!" He sung his confession. "I uh… got in a lil bit offff a ffffight… so…"  
And that had been it for the night, the thing that sobered both him and Michonne up as she grabbed a drunken Sasha who was holding onto Shane's arm.  
"He fought for me!" She cried hysterically as they walked home, so loudly that it rung from the buildings. "He saved me!"  
In the end, it would be revealed that one guy had tried to touch her ass and Shane had hit him straight away.  
Then it would be revealed that Sasha was in fact a crying drunk. _

_Rick and Michonne had put them to bed – separately – and left the respective rooms with a sigh. "Tired?" The night hadn't last long, it was only 1:15am and there were only late starts that followed in the morning.  
"Nah," Rick replied, "Kitchen?"_

" _No, too dirty… Is your room clean right now? Mines a mess because getting dressed for girls is like that… which I'm sure you know because of your girlfriend." It wasn't much of a question, but an answer to their situation as she walked past him into his room. "Woah Rick, you put me to shame!" She had marvelled at the cleanliness of his room as he sat on his bed. "Haha, I bet Negan's room is nothing like this."_

" _Negan?"_

" _My boyfriend."_

" _Ah."_

And ever since that day, they had found that their body clocks ran on the same time. Where waking up in the morning with a few hours sleep didn't hit them until midday, but they powered through until midnight or so to talk to each other.  
They weren't long conversations until this week, maybe fifteen minutes or so, a recap of a part of the day they thought was funny or sometimes just pure nagging about their course.

But this week had been different, purely due to the fact that both their significant others had finally grabbed a weekend to come down and see them… at the same time.  
"You know, Rick, I'm a whole woman who can go to sleep whenever I want."  
"Compared to half a woman?" He chuckled.  
"Screw you Grimes!" She threw a pillow at him and got up from his bed, looking at him as he sat in his chair. "Aren't you excited for them to come? We can all go on a double date."

He sucked air between his teeth. The truth was, he was afraid.  
Texts from Lori were often replied late to as he sat in class, then ate his lunch, then napped after class and etc… everything had been stagnant from his side, but Lori kept pushing, kept wanting.  
And he was half a pig for keeping her, wanting her warmth at times when he felt lonely and had to bang on the wall he and Shane shared in order for him to keep it down. But then again, he was only half a pig, the other half wanted to let her go and venture and become.

But did he know what he was looking for?

At times he did, he had admitted it to Shane this week.

" _You think girl's like Michonne are rare?"_

" _Dude, dangerous path." Shane had said, licking the ketchup of his chips from his fingers._

" _Shut up. But seriously… it's stressing me out."_

" _Why?"_

" _Because she's the type of girl I'd like if Lori and I ever broke up and well… I haven't met a girl like her before."_

" _You sound whipped."_

" _I am not."_

" _Girls you vibe with are rare, so it's better to stick your dick in 'em rather than wait around to see if you can in the future."_

" _Is everything about sex to you?"_

" _That's the most stupid question you've ever asked me."_

 _They fist bumped to drop the conversation._

Lori wouldn't like her, and he knew it. From the way Michonne kept her hair, to the way she caught on to every joke he made and threw in a new punch line he had no comeback to.  
They'd have to stifle their words to each other, their glances whenever Shane and Sasha manoeuvred around the kitchen avoiding each other like the plague, like the stubborn people that they were.

He was afraid of how his eyes would follow her as she moved.

Though he wasn't afraid to admit it, Rick Grimes had a crush on Michonne. But… this was normal, it happened. The important thing was just to not act on it… because that's where a mess is made.

"I don't know how much you and Lori will get along." Rubbing the back of his head, he stood up and walked past Michonne to the door.  
"Why?" She crossed her arms, her face screwing up as she tried to think of as many reasons as possible.  
"Because you are opposites. What? You think Negan and I are going to be best buds?"  
She sighed, walking past him as he opened the door. "You're right, he's more of Shane's type." Her eyes twinkled as she spoke about him. "Well, goodnight Grimes."

"I told you if you keep calling me that everyone will call me by my second name."  
"Hey." She turned to look at him as she opened her door, "special people get special nicknames, deal with it."  
His eyebrow raised, "So I'm special now?"  
"Which other man's dorm do you see me leaving at almost two in the morning?"

She winked.

* * *

It seemed as though the universe had played a cruel trick that meant both Lori and Negan arrived at the same time, the bitter embrace of Rick counteracted with the soft embrace of Michonne. He almost winced at the contrast.

"It's so nice to see you!" Michonne swooned, grabbing onto Negan's hand and walking him up the stairs.  
"Yeah, we have a lot to catch up on." Negan whispered as he planted a kiss on her cheek and placed a hand on her lower back. He looked the same, the tan, the bright of his eyes, the strong jaw. She had missed him, the dirty phone calls not enough to settle the burning she had for him in her lower stomach. You could sense the sexual frustration between them, but you couldn't sense the nagging at the back of Michone's mind that warned her that no matter how much she imagined their sex to be now… it wouldn't be that.

Something more could always be.

Lori and Rick sauntered behind them, their hands apart as they chattered away, Lori talking about how cheerleading made her dizzy.  
"So, this is our dorm. And everyone's cool, aren't they Grimes?" Michonne cooed, looking expectantly at him, trying to bring the atmosphere up. When Rick nodded, she rolled her eyes. "Negan, this is Rick. And you must be Lori! Heya, I'm Michonne."

Michonne ignored the evident flinch Lori gave beside Rick, shrugged her shoulder and took Negan to the kitchen, leaving Lori and Rick in the hallway.  
"Well that wasn't nice." Rick whispered, unlocking his bedroom door. "She was trying to be nice."  
"Yeah, by calling you Grimes… is she why you haven't been texting much?" Lori peered around his room, turning her nose up as the small specs of dust that had accumulated at the corner of his shelves.

"Lori," he sighed, falling onto his bed. "Do you ever listen to what you say?"  
Pondering on the thought, Lori gave herself twenty seconds to recollect herself, before turning to face him with a smile and tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry baby, I've just missed you. Being so far from you is hard."  
Rick extended his arms and she fell on top of him, resting her head on his chest as he ran his fingers through her hair.

It was weird.

His heart didn't beat the same from her scent.

Maybe this is what distance did to people.

Or maybe this is what distance did to him.

What would happen in the future, if he had to go on a business trip, would he fall out of love with his wife?

His head was stupid and crazy and so was his penis because it was hard from the simple warmth of her female body against his body.

"If you close the curtains and put on a loud movie…" Lori crawled up to kiss his neck, lingering there for a second, as if to smell if her territory had been marked by another. "We can do some things."

Whilst in the kitchen, Michonne poured juice in a cup as Negan pressed into her from behind and kissed her neck.

"You know, when I asked if you wanted a drink, I really meant it." She giggled, putting the lid back on the carton of apple juice.  
"And if I had said you, you would have called my game weak." His hot breath made her weak in all the right places.  
"You do have weak game, besides-" She turned to face him, taking a sip of the juice. "Someone could walk in here at any moment."

"Then let's go to your room, I'm dying to see it… and you."

The last admission made her falter so much she almost dropped her drink.

* * *

It had been great, in the beginning. The entry after so many weeks had felt like pure bliss, the hardness of him making her hiss into his ear. And that pleasure continued… but only shortly, because his hands didn't wander to flick her and his mouth didn't cover the mounds of her breasts or between her legs.

And when the tell-tale sign of his near ending came, she had only become.  
And she felt shallow for hating him for the dissatisfaction, but the sounds that often came from Shane's room whenever he had a girl over sounded so different to the sounds that they made.

She had never begged for him to enter her.

She had never sworn outrageously.

Or been left with tingling, curled toes and requiring a moment to rejuvenate herself.

"Hey," he kissed her shoulder, the movie they put on still playing in the background. "Michonne what's wrong?"  
The breath that left her body was heavy. "Can we try some… new things?" She winced at how bored it sounded.  
The words made him sit up, "Like what?"

Hesitant… again.

"Like… let's start with 69 or something, you know? Let's not always jump straight to sex…"

"Are you not happy?"

"I am but…" The anger that laced his voice irritated her. "I haven't… finished, in a while. And I just think that doing things before… may help."  
"How long have you been feeling like this?" The sentence sounded judgemental, and she scowled at him.  
"Why do you sound so defensive?"  
"Because my girlfriend has just told me I don't satisfy her."  
"How did this turn into that?" Michonne turned away from him and gathered the covers to her neck. "Forget I said anything."

"Harder said that done Michonne."

* * *

The slow, rhythmless roll of Lori threatened to get rid of Rick's hard on for all that it was worth. He had tried, listening to the sound of her moan with his eyes closed, remembering the porn he had watched the other night.

But it didn't help.

The scent of her would catch his nose and he would be reminded that maybe this isn't what he needed, but what he wanted and the other way around for her.  
He couldn't just leave her pining for him, so he kissed her shoulder and let her cum on top of him as he controlled the movement of her hips with one hand and rubbed two fingers against her clit at the same time.

Huffing on top of him, her smile didn't cause his heart to radiate anymore and it ached him in a part of his chest he hadn't felt since the last day he was truly in love with her.

"Did you cum?" She asked, the blush of her cheeks evident.

"No, but it's okay. Here, let's finish of the movie."

He kissed her cheek, before becoming the big spoon and trying to stitch his heart back together before it broke from the realisation of what he wanted to do.


	4. The breakfast

**To the guest that wondered whether I'm done with university for the year, yes I am and so now I'm hoping I can be more consistent.**

 **Also I'm sorry my British ways came into this story, whenever anyone has a serious problem down here the running joke is to drink a cup of tea.**

* * *

"Have you ever fallen out of love?" Rick asked over the whistle of the kettle.

Both he and Michonne had rolled out of bed from around their lovers and tip-toed to the kitchen, yogurt cravings at the forefront of her mind, but her at the forefront of his.  
Not in a mischievous way… but just that he needed to talk to her, to clear her mind.

"Drake hours huh?" Rick looked confused. "You know, the early hours of the morning where you're deep in your feelings." Michonne explained before opening the seal of her blueberry yogurt.  
He chuckled and rubbed the back of his head, the curls becoming almost unmanageable as he hadn't had time to go to the barber in the last two weeks.

"But anyway," Michonne continued, "I haven't ever fallen out of love, I haven't had many chances at that." She shrugged, raising an eyebrow.  
"I think…" Rick sighed, the kettle almost done. He wanted to bring about his disastrous confession whilst the whistle of the kettle concealed it from the outside world, so the shame wouldn't escape through the vents or the gap at the bottom of the door. "I don't think I love Lori anymore."

Michonne's face only partially contorted at the confession, but it was soon overcome with pity for both Lori and Rick.  
She was well aware of how Lori would feel, the nauseous ache that rose with you when your eyes opened all the way until lunch time, when you could only eat a chip or two. The stuttering over songs that are too emotional and remind you of things you wish you could forget. Or staying up late at night, just to torture yourself until the dawn and watch it rise. Watch the soft pink, and how it hurt and reminded you of the warmth you felt on the back of your eyelids when you basked in the ambience of the sun with him.

Knowing Rick made it easier for her to pity with the person who was about to break another's heart. She knew that whatever the reason was, wasn't filled with malice, because who would confess over the whistle of a kettle so early in the morning with such a hushed voice.  
The shame leaked from him like a running family secret that everyone knew about, but just wouldn't talk about.

"Are you sure?" Maybe it was the feeling of university, the freedom that came with it, the constant reminder from Shane's bedroom that you could be deep in whoever you wanted to be if you played our cards right. And that was especially true for Rick, with his blue eyes and curly hair. The way his body was lean and strong, the bulk of his arms attractive along with his smile.  
Sometimes, if Michonne admitted it, it was hard not to flirt with him.

"It doesn't feel like it did before." He began to pour the water on top of a peppermint tea bag.  
"How did that feel?" She was intrigued, finishing her yogurt and leaving it on the side to lean on her hands and face him.

Negan rarely spoke about his feelings. He only ever did so when prompted, and it often left her wondering whether they were compatible. Whether the burning sensation she had in her heart that let her love him so blindly was mirrored in his.

"Lighter… purer." His face fell. "And I just feel bad, because I'm going to have to hurt her."  
"You're right, you can't string her along… but you still smiled around her. Maybe, leave some more time, you know? Because once you end it, you can't get her back, not one hundred percent." Giving him her smoothest smile, Michonne tapped the back of his hand and yawned. "Can we speak about this in the morning over breakfast?"

"Where's breakfast happening?"

"Well I'll wake you up for eight am and we'll make it for them."

* * *

"Negan, leave me alone. I have a surprise for you!" Michonne squealed in his arms as he tickled her. They had kissed and made up, the urge to climb on top of him dimmed in comparison to last night. It seemed as though he had forgotten it in the land of sleep, so she would once again have to put it to rest.

But his smile was enough to keep her for the moment.

"You're lying!" He grasped her sides with his fingers, receiving a loud squeal from her that was quickly interrupted by the sound of knocking on her door. "See what you've done babe! Woken up someone in the place!"

Both Rick and Lori stood at the door, a curved sloppy smile on his face that once again reminded her of how attractive he was, whilst the straight lipped expression that Lori wore made her tired.  
"Hey…" Rick was different, slower this time. She could tell when he wanted to make a joke, his eyes would squint as he began to laugh at how he imagined the joke would be received. He was stopping himself from doing that right now. "It's like five past eight, so I thought I'd come get you to start breakfast. We-" He placed his arm around Lori's hip like the smart boy he was, "are starving!"

Michonne played along just fine. "Sugar! Sorry, someone just got carried away!" Shaking her head she stepped out towards them and reminded Negan that he could join them in the kitchen whenever he wanted to.

* * *

The ordeal had been an awkward one, where Lori sat there, her eyes flicking from her phone to them as they moved around each other. Making little jokes that she could only catch the tail end of.

"So Michonne, what are you studying? Rick hasn't mentioned much about you."  
Michonne didn't bother looking over her shoulder, because the beams that left Rick's eyes to meet Lori were enough.

"Politics… and if he had mentioned me, he would only say terrible things about me." She joked. "You got yourself a mean boyfriend." Rick purposefully banged the skillet to get a rise out of her, trying to conceal the joy he got from it. "What about you Lori?"  
"I'm studying psychology…" She dragged it out as if there was more she wanted to say, but decided against it. Michonne didn't get her vibe, didn't like the way the whites of her eyes showed too much in an eye roll whenever she thought Michonne was looking.

"Huh, that's cool."

The conversation grew stale as Rick remained awkwardly dumb scrambling the eggs.

"How long have you been with Negan – that's his name right?"

"Yes. Eight months-ish, you and Rick?"

"A long time, isn't that right Ricky?" The tone in Lori's voice was sarcastic, ringing like the tune of a child's television programme. It made Michonne's teeth grind.  
And it wasn't because of jealousy or anything – Michonne couldn't fathom yet what she had to be particularly jealous about – but just that someone disliking her, without knowing her, enough to somewhat taunt her really crawled under her skin.  
"Yes, Michonne knows that… and I hate when you call me Ricky." His voice lowered, "It's embarrassing."

"Well sorry honey," she pouted, folding her arms. "Do you have nicknames for Negan? You know how these boys can be, hate it but they'll miss it when youre gone." The statement was said with a slight bite, that made Rick stop scraping the pan.  
The smirk that landed on Michonne's lips was a response the awkward atmosphere that had settled around them, like fog in a swamp.

"Hey Mich," Negan entered right on time, rubbing his eyes and proudly shirtless, evidently showing he had carried on going to the gym whilst at university. She could almost hear Lori's mouth watering at the sight of it.  
Captivating him in a kiss that he happily responded to, Michonne made her mark before telling him to sit down at the table with Lori.

"Grimes and I are finishing up breakfast."

Once they started to dig in, Negan grabbed Rick around the neck with his bulging arm, laughing with egg remnants still in his mouth (Michonne wincing as he did so). "Dude, best breakfast I've eaten in ages! Husband material this is!"  
Rick smiled like he didn't know what to do, mouthing 'help me' to Michonne. "Negan, you're gonna choke him." Swatting at him arm playfully, she reached over for the butter and smiled. "Grimes can't handle that."

"How comes he gets a nickname and I don't?"

Michonne rolled her eyes. "Because the last time I tried to give you one, you said it sucked."

That wasn't exactly it.

It was more the fact that she had tried to, and he had been receptive to it. Kept talking about permanent things and how sometimes they didn't matter, or how they hurt later in the future when things when to shit. But then he laughed it off and said he liked his full name, so using anything else would be disrespectful to it.

Of course she didn't try again.

Watching now, at the scene of Negan and Rick getting along made her ponder. Made her eyes wander across the table to Lori, who was quietly sitting and flicking her eyes from her plate to Rick to Michonne, with a brash type of warning behind each one.  
How come the boys could get along? The smiling, the talking, the forced sports and weather conversation that men often have also managed to show up.  
But Lori, she had entered guns a-blaze.

Was it the nickname that did it?

Or the ease of a new girl in Rick's life?

Being his girlfriend, she had to be aware of how his blue eyes and curls could drag a siren from their cold depths. But Michonne, she wasn't a lonely siren, her eyes were firmly planted on someone else and he sat here good looking also, strong, who's lips only found hers.

But she thought about it then.

Thought about whether she could ever cross that line with Rick – imagining that Negan was out of the picture, because Michonne was anything but a cheater.  
How would kissing him be different? Negan always went in full force, hands holding the side of her face or neck, his tongue present, the air always being knocked from her lungs. But Rick… Rick seemed to be the type that kissed tentatively, who would run his lips along yours before kissing you innocently without tongue and then changing. Taking his hands to grab your sides as he pushed you against a wall and made your breath hitch in the back of your throat.

The warmth that set in the base of her stomach made her halt.

As well as the look she received from Lori across the table.

As if she knew just what she was thinking.

And when the rest of the flat rolled out of bed into the smell of the kitchen, Lori's face spread into a smile for every one of them – confirming majority of Michonne's suspicions.

* * *

"You haven't told me much about uni you know?" Michonne wrapped her legs around Negan as they lay in bed, lazy on the Sunday afternoon. He would have to go soon, and she didn't know how she would handle sleeping in a bed alone again.

"What's there to tell? I party, I gym, I go to class… I think about seeing you." He was sickly sweet, the feeling of his tongue as he kissed her suggestive. He knew the time was ticking and she knew with the way his hands roamed just what he wanted.

"Girls?"  
"What girls?" Negan paused, sighing on her neck.  
"None have tried?"

She irritated herself with the questions, but he hadn't exactly given her a stable base before going to uni. His nonchalant ways often creeped up on her in the quiet moments, whether they were together or not. She wandered whether this was something she needed to work on herself, or whether he was partially to blame and if another boy would make her feel… so unsure.

"If they did, I wouldn't tell you."  
"And why not? I'd tell you!" Michonne pushed him away, Negan balling his fists up in blue balled frustration.  
"Because I'd handle it and you'd act like this anyway."

Which was true. Somewhat.

She hated the lack of trust she had with him.

And it would only appear when her mind turned, noisily like clogs.

"What have I ever done to not make me trust you?"

She played with the honesty on her tongue. "Well… you haven't exactly-"

"Any physical actions?"

"No but-"

"Any text messages?"

"No but-"

"My case is closed. Now kiss me like we both know you're going to miss me when I'm gone."

And he kissed her like he was hungry.

And she responded like a hand puppet, passively with a half-assed heart and wondering if he would miss her when he was gone.

* * *

"Do you think that Michonne girl is pretty?" Lori asked, Rick's chest heaved because he knew it was coming but he didn't think she would be brave enough to say it.

"Yes…" He sighed, countering back with the wanted reply. "But not as pretty as you."

Lori beamed up at him from his chest, squeezing around him. "Of course not, I thought her nose was… weird."

"Why are you so shallow sometimes?" Rick questioned, pushing her off from him so he could sit. "Gosh, she's a nice girl Lori, and she's a good friend of mine… the only female friend I've had for a while. So back off!" He realised how he sounded, the look on his face must have been so mean. And he felt bad looking at her, the shock on her face, the tears in her eyes.

Every time she cried it was his weakness.

He knew she'd be able to spin whatever her way, no matter what it was.

He sighed. "Lori, listen, you know it and I know it. I haven't had many female friends… and that's because we've been joined at the hip for so long… and that's not a bad thing…" Rick paused to comprehend his words. There were two ways this could go; leaving her or changing things. And he didn't have enough time to ip-dip-doo between the both options, but he wanted to have something like Negan and Michonne had. The fun he saw. The way she encompassed him in kisses whenever she could, and how it seemed mutual from the outside looking in.

He didn't want to be alone.

He could make this work.

He could make them fall in love again by looking over the bad and focusing on the good.

Like he had when he was younger.

"We're at uni and I'm going to make friends. And so are you. And I'm okay with that." Rick smiled as her lips remained tight. "Do you get what I'm trying to say?" Lori shook her head adamantly. "I want this to be more… like it used to be. I've been missing thangs about us and I want us to work."

 _I think._

And he kept wondering whether or not it was the truth as they kissed messily, the threat of a rhythmless roll finding him once again.


	5. The confession

**This is a little short.**

* * *

"Do you ever wonder what it'd be like to be with someone new? Like physically?" It was Michonne's chance to be more intimate with the dialogue.

Over the past few weeks they had been able to set a time limit for when to go to sleep. The workload of the semester increasing alongside their social activities – Michonne in spoken word and Rick in a painting class every Wednesday – meant that they didn't have enough energy to roam the night with each other.

The alarming look on Rick's face made Michonne laugh. "No, I'm not thinking of cheating… or maybe I am if I think that way, but… do you?" She placed her feet up to hand on the edge of the kitchen table and looked at a moth fluttering near the lights. It made her shudder. "It's only been Negan with me and I wonder how different people… love."

Like did people love softer than Negan did? All the love bites he left on her skin whenever he was close to the end - that she didn't mind, like bruised kisses that made her tingle whenever she saw them late just before the shower. They had made it a game to hide them.

Rick looked at her then, the plump of her lips. And wondered how it would feel against his thinner ones. He bet she tasted sweet, like plums or strawberries. That she was soft too.  
He was ashamed to say that despite the changes Lori had made to begin pleasing him – sending him more pictures of herself, more messages, forever encouraging him to be free.  
Rick almost felt bad when he got annoyed – this had been what he wanted, hadn't it?

"Same here, with Lori." He confessed, playing with his thumbs, afraid of the next confession. "Are you… satisfied with him?" It came out more high pitched than he wanted. Michonne raised her eyebrow. "It's only because… sometimes I'm not with Lori. And I just wanted to know what that meant… if anything."

She pitied the rocks weighing his lungs down. It had never been something she admitted before, not even to Maggie – who still frequented her line, updating her about the boy she had met who worked at a pizza place and always gave her extra toppings. He had never been her type, she mentioned, her ideal always being the tall dark and mysteriously handsome boy from next door. But there he – Glenn – was, smiling and goofy and just for her heart.

"You're not alone." It sounded more like a 'thank you' than anything. "And you feel bad because you're meant to like it, but then you get mad because they seem so selfish."  
"Yeah! And then they don't even listen to you when you say it nicely." Rick tapped his fist on the table, adamant about his contribution to the discussion.  
"And whatever you tell them, they forget by the next time." Michonne scowled, remembering the countless amount of times that she had told Negan to put his tongue here and not there, at what speed, in what direction.  
"And then you feel like such an asshole, that you don't ever mention it again." Rick dimmed, a certain unfortunate feeling crowding both of them.

They were silent for a minute or two. "Maybe we have to work on our communication."  
Rick nodded. "It used to work so easily, Lori and I. Whatever she liked, I liked. How she moved, how we kissed. But coming here… it was so glaring, there's a whole world out there and it amplified everything wrong that I already knew was there." He planted his head on the table and sighed, allowing Michonne to have access to the back of his head, right on his curls, so he could receive a soft massage.

Rick smiled into the table, the feeling of her hands mimicked the miracles of biblical times. His mind became dirty, imagining the feel of her hands in other places. It wasn't his fault, he hadn't had action for a month once again and would have to wait until this weekend for Lori to find him again.  
He couldn't help but imagine taking her on the table, tasting his ways from her collar bone down towards her centre. Lori often squirmed about that, became insecure and angry at him for 'being too dirty' whenever he mentioned doing such a thing and it made him ashamed at times. But Michonne… when they joked with dirty banter late at night, he could sense that she was the type of girl that would allow her significant other to do that to her… with no shame or guilt.

"Rick was that a moan?" Michonne tried to play it off as a joke, the awkward laughter escaping her. It wasn't awkward because he had moaned haphazardly in the moment – everyone did it whenever she extended a quick massage – but the fact that it made her stomach curl in on itself and peaked her imagination.  
How his face may look if she rode him to climax, or how he must sound whenever the first initial raw contact is made. She felt like a burglar who had been struck in the middle of the night by a porch light – _caught._

Trying to save himself from the redness that dared to take over his face, Rick playfully pulled her hand from the back of his neck. "Well duh, that was the best massage I've ever had."

The atmosphere felt tense for a second, as he licked his lips thinking of other things to say. She watched, fantasised about the pink tip of his tongue and how it would be different to the feeling of Negan's wider one. How it may be more accurate and skilled.  
She wondered why Lori wouldn't try to satisfy someone so handsome, why she wouldn't take charge and give him what he needed with confidence that Rick would always be hers. And likewise for Rick, who looked and Michonne and wandered how the fantasy of eating her wasn't enough to probably keep Negan down there.

He wanted her.

His fingertips burning to just feel her skin against his.

And it was a crush for both of them.

An intense one.

Amplified by the fact that it was the middle of the night and silence stretched before them.

With nothing to interrupt the moment, like Sasha or Andrea or Shane.

Or maybe there was because they jumped when the kitchen door opened and a boy in boxers walked in, rubbing his eyes and grabbing a carton labelled 'Andrea' from the fridge.  
He drunk majority of the orange juice before making eye contact with them, winking, then leaving with it.

Their held breaths were released as they started to giggle.

"And with that, I think it's time to go to bed." Michonne clapped her hands together as she jumped up from her chair, watching as Rick's hands pressed firmly against the table for him to follow her lead. She loved the veins in them, loved the strength in them.  
"You know," Rick said as her hand hovered on the door. "You deserved to be loved right." He detected the softness in his voice, the subtle give away of what was lurking underneath like a lovesick child in the sixth grade. "We both do." Rick readjusted himself.

That night Rick got off to mixed images of himself with Lori and then Michonne.

That night Michonne got off to mixed images of herself with Negan and then Rick.

Both fell asleep satisfied, ashamed and shallow.


	6. The break

Negan had found his way down again, a small smirk on his lips when he first saw her. A brief hug and a mumble about when she would come down to him. She admitted it was poor of her and that she'd try harder, but that only received a half-assed nod from him that rubbed her the wrong way.

But Michonne let it slide, looking at the tan he had acquired and the way his body had moulded in the days she hadn't seen him.  
There was a rash formation of jealousy that flared through her, wondering how the girls must have looked at him on campus, twirling their straight hair around their fingers and batting their eyelids just for him.  
She grasped onto his hand then, unsure of what the action meant – or more so ashamed of what caused the action to begin with.

The insecurity plagued her and had crept up in conversations that took place in the middle of the night – where most insecurities made their claim anyway.  
"Sometimes I don't feel good enough for him… but is that my fault or his?" The biting of her lip – a subtle quirk that Rick had identified she usually displayed when in a serious dilemma – made Rick ponder on his answer.  
"Well, why do you not feel good enough for him?"  
"Because of how he looks?"  
He was quick to answer. "And that means what exactly in comparison to you?"

Michonne had racked her brain for hours over it, so the conversation began to mimic a tennis match. "He's more likely to… be tested."  
"And why does that relate to you?"  
"Because there are more options out there."  
"So?"  
"So what?"  
"Who says he has to pick those options?"  
"Well no-one, I just-"  
"You want to know what my biggest pet peeve is?" Rick interjected, his body language strong, confident… sure. And Michonne liked it, liked the way it could change from someone who seemed so chill to a fire in a second.  
"Entertain me Grimes," she quipped, leaning closer over the kitchen table, her bare legs touching his underneath, causing a brief tingle that floated up both their spines.  
"All of the really beautiful girls I'd ever met, had this low self-esteem thing and I never got it…" The sigh that left his body might as well have been stored for years. "All because some guy doesn't love them the way they want – and I'm sorry, it seems like he doesn't reassure you enough and-"

"I know," Michonne admitted, her face contorting in embarrassment. "Grimes, I… I shouldn't need validation for myself and normally I have it in check but… damn it's been hard. I think that's what university does. You realise that the people in your town you thought were threats, aren't threats at all in the real world." She laughed to herself before making her next statement. "There are people with blue eyes, curly hair and a southern twang to steal hearts."

The red of his cheeks make her feel cruel, "You've got to stop 'Chonne." He tried to wipe the grin of his face by rubbing his hand over his mouth.  
"Or what?" There was an intense pause where there wasn't meant to be. Like it was a dare. Like this was a do or die moment… or it felt that way.

Have you ever had a moment like that?

Where it seemed like life was telling you a door had opened and you had a limited amount of time to step through it?

And your heart pounded and you worked through a million thoughts at once just to get to a final conclusion?

She licked her lips like a question and Rick wanted to kiss her like an answer, but it was more of a fret than anything Rick thought, but he kept thinking so many thoughts in the mere few seconds he had to think.

And isn't life funny like that? Just when you reach a conclusion, the door closes.

"Lori will burn the flat down?" Michonne continued, filling up the silence.  
They both hated that they loved the joke.

And now Negan took her from behind in a rough frenzy, much rougher than he had ever taken her before.  
In the beginning, it seemed that she liked the dominance of him. How he had spun her around after taking care of her lips, then her jaw and her neck. She purred for him like she usually would in the beginning, because no matter how many times she was disappointed before, her body would wipe the slate clean with hope that the next time would be different.  
And she didn't mind it, optimism ran through her veins like genetics, but damn sometimes… sometimes she just didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being turned on so he could understand how much the lack of cumming affected her well-being for the rest of the night.

"No Michonne, bend your hips like this," he tried to move her slightly, the slither of irritation in her voice making her cold. In a second she had moved from him, her eyes brimming with a hurt that he hadn't seen before.  
"Why?"

And she knew she was possibly acting irrationally, but they had never made love this way. And she wondered where the change had come from? If it had come from anywhere or from anyone? The doubt plagued her all too much, to the point where she wanted to trust her mind and her gut, but couldn't decide if accepting both was even a good idea.  
"Because Michonne, I just want to try something, what's up with you?" The fever of his voice was enough to make her put back on her clothes, the time was just past midnight, so she was well aware that Rick would be making his tea by now, or just sitting in there being who he was.

"I don't like being handled like I'm just a fuck. And if you wanted that, you should have told me before so I wouldn't feel some type of way about it." Michonne cleared her throat as she left, trying to not allow her tears to swell and blind her.  
Leave him in the room, she thought, let him gather himself while you gather yourself too.

Admittedly, she knew later she'd feel too shameful to back.

* * *

Michonne walked into the kitchen like a hurt bird, who's wings were damaged in a flight they didn't even want to take part it. And Rick knew how to take care of her, with delicacy. So he walked to the fridge as she sat down at the table and got her a yogurt with her own spoon from her cupboard.

From the way Michonne's lips formed a tight line, and he starts to talk to her about silly things. About how the paper for his class is due on Tuesday and he's only written a few hundred out of the few thousand words that he's meant to.

And it distracts him from the reminder that Lori is in his room, naked. The feeling of shame he has that he slipped away from her as she slept quickly after they had made love… or whatever it was. At one point he had closed his eyes, and he had began to imagine Michonne on him, where his thrusts became manic in lust and Lori's moans rung in his ears almost like sirens.  
He had cum to the thought of her, so having her sat in front of him now made him uncomfortable, more so because his body couldn't distinguish the fact that he had not been feeling the wet, tightness of her at all.

Rick was running out of things to say as tears fell from Michonne's eyes and he hated it, so went over to wrap his arms around her instead.  
There was an intimacy there that they were both aware of, where the warmth of him seemed to comfort, it almost calmed her heart. It got rid of her hiccups. The smell of him was distinct, and soft, and enough in the moment to make her take a deep breath and gather herself.

"Have you ever felt that sex was different?" She summoned. "Like right now… right now there was so much less love in it." Her fists squeezed until her palms went white from the loss of blood. Her face began to crumble again as Rick looked at her, looked at how the brown of her eyes had dimmed to bleakness, then focused on how it made him feel. Powerless, almost, like he was obliged to save her in the hours of the night all because it was too delicate now.

The darkness of the night amplified your fears and the silence often cemented them.

"Whatever makes you happy," he dabbed at her tears, "should be the constant of your relationship."

And he was a hypocrite for saying it.

Because here he was.

The slickness of Lori still probably going to coat him in the morning time – but that didn't make him happy, and yet, it was almost a guaranteed constant.

Proximity was the key word here.

The closeness of them as he reached again to wipe a tear from the corner of her right eye with his thumb. He almost allowed himself to hook her cheek.

It was crazy what was happening to him. The rattling of his heart, like a city under attack, and the way his lungs expanded to get him to breath in as much air so his brain would have enough oxygen to make a rational decision.  
He hated her hesitation, the way she didn't flinch, but didn't know whether to stay either. She could make it so much easier for him by moving away, but her defiance kept her there. Like a temptation that knew what it was worth.

It was funny how she had insecurities. It seemed she didn't at times like this.

"Hey Rick, honey I saw you were gone and-" Lori paused as the couple flinched away from each other, Michonne's cheeks burning beneath the dark hue of her skin. "Sorry did I interrupt something here?" The venom in her voice could have burned a hole in the metal countertop.  
"No darlin'," Rick's twang strong and unwavering, "just helping 'Chonne out, you good?" He looked at her quickly with a pleading smile. They both knew where this would go if it didn't end quickly. So Michonne wiped her eyes, turned around to Lori and smiled.  
"Yeah, just having a little tiff, that's all."  
"Well surely you should be consulting with your boyfriend about that and not mine." The statement was clear and said with little remorse, receiving a scornful look from Rick.  
"You know what," Michonne said, her voice thick and sharp. "I'm going to go before anymore dumb shit is said."

* * *

"Listen, Mich, I'm sorry." The sun had risen, lighting up the room with a soft glow that mimicked the one in Michonne's stomach whenever she thought about how kind Rick had been the night before. Negan curled around her, breathing down her neck. "Things have been a bit rough and being with you… it feels like an escape." Silence. "School is hard, according to my brother, mum and dad are having more arguments than ever."

She knew that was a sore topic for him. But the hook couldn't be let go of so easily. Something so important to her had been cheapened due to his emotions.  
"Let me love you. Let me make it up to you."  
"I want to be eaten out." Michonne stated boldly, looking him in the eyes. Wanting something more than what she knew he was offering. "I want you to love me slowly. It hurt me. The idea of you using my body like that… with less love."

He kissed her neck. "I know." He kissed her neck on a different spot, warming her, making her moist.

And Negan tried not to rush in the beginning. Kissing his way down the midline of her body until he got to the centre of her, allowing his tongue to finally meet her and for her mouth to form an O.  
But he didn't stay there to her dismay, no matter how much her hands tried to make him, he still found a way to sneak to her breast and suck on them as he entered her.  
The request of 'slow' lost to him after a few minutes and a few thrusts, and Michonne couldn't help but feel like the love was tainted.

* * *

"Yes Lori," Rick moaned, his thrusts strong and constant, the sound of their skin only muffled by the movie playing in the background. He closed his eyes as he laid on top of her, the sweat building between their two bodies. And he couldn't help but think about the bounce in her breasts, and how it may compare to Michonne's larger ones.

He thought about the sound of her moans in his ears, the grabbing of her hands in her back, and imagined the fire that Michonne would have. How her legs may wrap around his waist tighter, and how her smell would be different, and how she may be open to new things. To bending over for him, to spreading her legs so he could taste her straight out of a shower.

The thoughts made him pound into her until he reached climax, moaning into her collarbone.

"Rick?"  
"Yeah?" He rolled off her, breathless and covering his eyes with his arm.  
"What was that?"  
"Was it good?" The look on her face made her worry.  
"Yeah… it was just different. A good different."

They laid in bed until it was time for her to go.

And in that time, Lori pondered on the distance between them despite being so close in the bed. And the way she held her tongue instead of asking questions about Michonne, possibly out of fear. And she wanted him to miss her and beg for her and to fuck her again like he just had. And her mind thought that maybe if they had more distance they would be what they were again.  
But there was a mean streak there, where she wanted to hurt him for making her feel confused in some ways. So, she rolled off the bed to put her bra and underwear on before looking him dead in the eye.

"I want a break." Her lips snarled.

And a piece of Rick still ironically died.


	7. The honesty

**A/N: I want to start by saying that I am at fault as a fanfiction writer, as so many people seem upset at Rick and Michonne, which is understandable. But the reason I've failed is I haven't explained well enough throughout the story, why things are the way they are.**

 **I get that it has been slow and frustrating :D**

 **Thank you to the people who have posted with positivity and have looked at all sides of this thing, and in their own way, have encouraged me to stick to what I originally imagined.**

 **Chapter 8 is the one you NEED in your life.**

* * *

"How you feeling man?" Shane sat in Rick's desk chair, bouncing a ball against the ground and peering at his friend. It had been two days since Lori had spun the break on him, and where he had thought Rick's eyes would be rimmed red, they were just glazed over. Like he was looking for something in a fog half-heartedly.

"Half-full." Rick replied, the optimist that he was.

And it was true. The whole thing was bittersweet. Like… imagine getting a thorn stuck in your thumb, and the only way to relieve yourself of the pain is to remove it. But that requires experiencing the pain of removing it, to then get the bliss of pain free-living. That's where Rick was.  
It hurt because Lori was a familiarity.  
His phone wasn't as active without her on it.  
The instinct to check his phone in the morning and shrug off good morning texts because he knew they were coming, was ingrained in him so well that he sometimes would imagine the notification light.

But it hurt less than he expected. He had held his breath in the moment, looking over at her and wondering if she was joking. But when her lips stayed tight, and her eyes didn't flicker from his face, he knew she was serious.  
Then he was thankful he wasn't the one who said it.  
Then he was upset she thought about it in the first place.

What was he lacking in to make her think that way?

But it was stupid and a selfish thing to think and he knew it. Rick thought of the irony as he watched her leave, the hollow sound of his footsteps that echoed back up the stairs to his dorm where he sat on his bed to think and think and think of what this meant.

"You seem fine man." Shane said it just like he believed it.

* * *

It was a weird thing to have their afternoon free.

Today was some sort of important day for their university and so it meant that afternoon lectures were not scheduled.  
Whilst Shane darted off, Sasha slept and Andrea remained to herself, Michonne found her way into Rick's room and had been twirling in his chair non stop for the last five minutes, trying to come up with something for them to do.

"We have the whole afternoon free and it's going to get dark soon – I hate the dark." She stated bitterly.  
"You do?" Rick jeered, rolling over to look at her, the dim sunray catching the blue of his eyes that pooled like an ocean.  
"Why'd you think I'm always up talking to you?" Michonne kneeled down near the side of the bed, so they were eye to eye. "How does it feel?" She questioned, hoping he would understand the importance of his answer.

Although they hadn't been together long, the familiarity of Negan plagued her. And the fact he was the only one she had been with plagued her too. Made her stupidly misaligned.  
But she wanted to know what it would be like to be separate. Because part of her wanted to be separate.

The idea bright like a neon light the minute Rick told her what Lori had done.

"Half full." He said again. "I mean, you know I'd been struggling with how I felt for her for some time." Rick eyes skated to the ceiling, his jawline obvious and prominent to her. Sometimes it's hard to have someone beautiful in front of you that you know you could love if the timing was right. "But I… this is what I wanted, deep down. I just have to get used to the change, the lack of familiar ways."  
Michonne allowed him to be lost in his thoughts for a second, a ticking of his index finger against his thigh a key sign.

What were Negan's quirks?

Had she ever stopped to look at him whole?

Had she just allowed him to take her breath away and a façade of her heart?

It was weird. This doubt was weird. Ask her a few months ago and she would have said that her head was fuzzy and her heart only beat for him if he allowed it.  
That felt like some time ago. Like the layers of her skin had shed and gave her a new personality, new emotions that she needed to work through.

"You okay 'Chonne?" Rick asked, placing a hand on hers.

The heat that conjured in both of their fingers was enough for their breaths to stop. She liked the feeling, like a ghost that rested beside her to remind her it was there.  
She hadn't felt it that strongly in so long.  
And if she wasn't stupid, she'd think that she wanted to kiss Rick. To feel the warmth of his mouth on hers, the snaking of his hands around her waist.

But it's just a crush.

A crush.

She recited it like a chorus, whilst Rick looked at her with stars in his eyes.

The urge to pull her onto his lap and feel the palm of her hands on his bare chest.

"I think-" The tip of her tongue burned with the truth, but so did the buzz of her phone alongside Negan's ringtone.  
The tension in the air stammers to nothing, just like Michonne as she apologises whilst picking up the call. There's an inhale from both.

"We need to talk."


	8. The love making

"The fuck Negan?" Michonne left Rick's room in a hurry, quickly finding the solitude of her own.

The words that poured out of him like an apology only made her angry, like how dare he, like who does he think he is? "So how long?"  
"It's only texting 'Chonne… and I told her I had a girlfriend. But she gave me a proposition and I said no… I just feel bad I let it get this far." She hated him. The way he tried to spin it.

This was cheating.

It was.

Wasn't it?

Emotional? Not really, he hadn't seemed to compare the girl to Michonne. And it wasn't physical yet so… the intent? The intent made it cheating, she was sure of it.

"Fuck you Negan." The venom that laced her tongue circled his ear canal. "I don't want to know anymore, just know I want a break." Her voice didn't hitch, or stutter, there was a strength there that her ego nurtured in the moment.

The silence on the other end of the phone gave her time to run over her words, made her heart stutter like an animal that sensed a storm. There was a storm brewing, and if you had cut her open during the phone call, you would have seen it tucked in between her fourth and fifth rib cage.

"Are you sure?"

She wondered whether the break in his voice was genuine… and then she felt ashamed for doing so… and then confused, until she was in this vicious cycle of doubting what her heart spoke to her.  
But Michonne always laced her spine with stubbornness that would sometimes scare her, because it made her daring and rash and proud in moments where others would sit back and allow the world to spin purposefully on its axis, knowing that the universe often let things fall into place at the right time.

"I'm sure. I'm going to go now." There it was. Her own voice crack. She hated how it echoed in her bathroom as she watched herself, biting her lip as the tears pricked her eyes. It was crazy how vulnerable looking at yourself was, how it could make you wonder whether everything you were feeling or experiencing was… real. If that was the right thing to say.  
"Mich-" She pulled him away from her ears and hung up the phone, slipping it into her pocket before bracing herself on the side of the sink.  
Michonne debated whether crying was worth it, it always took energy that she never knew that she had and left her with swollen eyes for the morning.

"It's okay to cry." She propositioned herself, but never took the bait.

At least she didn't want to cry alone about this. And across the hall was someone who knew how she was feeling – in some twisted way, because he was the one that was dumped, not the other way around.  
Sighing, Michonne held back the tears until Rick responded to the knock on his door and then she allowed herself to falter like the crumbling tower she was.

* * *

She had cried into Rick for about an hour earlier, soaking his shirt like she was the sea. They didn't speak much after she explained the situation and Rick cursed on her behalf.

Michonne liked that, liked the way he flowed with however she felt. Like reassurance that she wasn't crazy, that everything she felt was valid.  
"Are you sure you aren't busy?" Michonne had asked when the hiccupping came to a halt, feeling bed that she had done nothing but be a grey cloud in his room.  
Rick felt it inappropriate to laugh as Michonne looked up to him from his shoulder, "No 'chonne, it's fine… you feeling better?"

And he genuinely wanted her to be - partially because he wanted the proximity between the both of them to decrease before his mind found gutters that it didn't want. He remembered the position they had been in before her phone rang, and Negan had done this, how the air tingled like electricity was flying through it.  
A rash part of him, with a horrible lack of self-control wanted to kiss her and make it count for all it was worth, unafraid to catch the remnants of salt on her lips.

Then again. Her crying, here, reminded him that her feelings weren't yet done with Negan… and she had hardly spoken about those feelings since entering the room. So could he really judge?

No.

But he wanted to shake her and say 'He doesn't deserve your tears'.

Although he got it.

Understood the confusion that came with no longer being the main object of attention for someone that had bestowed affection on you for a long time – it was all too important in the origin story of Shane's playing ways.  
And it hurt… it hurt to think that someone, who you would never remotely hurt, could hurt you in anyway shape or form.

"I'm going to go." Michonne started to uncurl from him, the sudden loss of warmth so powerful that he almost pleaded for her to come back.  
Rick was currently lonely and unsure too, the glass looking less half full and more empty.

Where could he pour all his remains?

He hadn't cried yet or felt the need to.

But there was love within him, that he knew wouldn't be satisfied in the hands of Lori and where could he put it to be nurtured, to bloom like sunflowers in the month of July that only faced the sun in loyalty?  
And some parts of him spoke, in soft lullabies that he would only faintly hear in the middle of the night after Michonne left him with the feeling of hope. These voices had the answer.

"If you need me," he didn't want to pressure her to stay, despite wanting to explode with all the confusion in his heart and head at the moment, that weighed heavy like guilt on a mans back. "I'll be here".

Michonne smiled without it reaching her eyes.

* * *

Michonne thought about the irony of it all.

She had broken up with him.

The words still strong and resonating in her mind, like they owned the walls of it.

Why wasn't she feeling liberated and strong and free? Goodbye to poor sex while she gathered herself, goodbye to the empty feeling of wondering whether she was settling at times.  
And she knew all the good reasons for this, but there were also the bad. Like the fact that her heart ached, it had to mean something right?

But love and lust can mimic each other, she thought.

Michonne didn't want to think at all.

So she cocooned herself in her covers and slept through her morning lectures, ignoring the sound of the cleaner that entered to empty her bins. Whenever her body threatened to enter ful consciousnous she would remind of it of what they were avoiding and it would slip back into dreams willingly.  
Normally, she had vivid dreams, with colour and excitement, that made her wake up and face the day with an empowerment that captivated others. However, every dream was dark, with tones of grey and forgetfulness.  
Hunger pangs didn't find her in sleep, and it didn't find her as a result of her phone ringing and waking her up in the late afternoon.

"Your text, Michonne are you okay?" Maggie's worried voice tightened the knot in her stomach, until she was a blubbering mess over the phone from it's pain. "Baby… you… you have to let him go. I've found a guy like Glenn and I can't stand seeing other girls get played about. You deserve a good-NO! Great guy."  
Michonne tried to take the words to heart, but they faded like the number of Christmas lights on houses after New Years.  
And the phone call was closely followed by a rhythmic rap on the door that could only be Sasha's, who's immediate hug made Michonne go limp in her hands. "Boyfriend trouble?" Sasha questioned, the taint in her voice dark. "This is why I tell Shane he can't be mine… boys bring drama and –" She stopped herself, understanding that whatever she wanted to rave about wasn't going to help. "Look, you are strong and black and beautiful. You don't always have to be strong. But just know your worth, okay?"

Michonne loved Sasha the most because she would often have nuggets of truth – formed from jaded experiences that she often ranted about whenever she entered Michonne's room for an opinion of her essays – that escaped her mouth at important times.  
Worth.  
She repeated the word until it was nothing more than a sound in her mouth with no meaning. Until the knot released in her stomach.  
Until Rick knocked on her door like a night in shining armour.

"We're going out." He stated with confidence as he pushed past her, sweat making his hair curlier and his smell invading her room. "Shane is trying to bag Sasha, and we need something fun to do. So we're all going."  
"Andrea?"  
"When is Andrea not anywhere?" Rick laughed, placing a hand on her thigh. He had spent hours in class today thinking about the warmth of her, and the emotion that found him whenever they connected.  
"And if I don't come?" Michonne teased, mesmerised by the movement of his thumb on her thigh and the blue of his eyes.  
"I'll throw you over my shoulder."

She had fun getting ready with Sasha.

* * *

Sitting in this circle of truth or dare, there was no way Sasha and Shane wouldn't have at it tonight. Envy had laced through both of them when the other kissed someone that wasn't them. Whether that be Sasha with cocky boys that studied business who tried to slip lower than her lower back, or the lusting psychology girls who wanted to touch their tongue with Shane's.

Wasn't that how all truth or dare games go?

You always find a pair who's hearts are longing for each other… or just looking for a reason to explore their momentary lust.

Michonne and Rick had egged each other into drinking as much as they could. So they slurred words, and held red cups in their hands as they sat next to each other. Shoulders rubbing whenever a joke was made in a group that travelled to their stomachs.  
Looking around the circle, Michonne couldn't help but wonder if the girl Negan was texting looked like any of them. With their straight hair, their pointed noses, their fake laughs for the jocks that rang like lies.

The alcohol dimmed everything else within her as the game went on, her mind counting down to when it was landing on Rick. She wanted to see who would kiss him and how they would kiss him. Whether she would kiss him and what would she do?  
It was a difficult thing, breaks. Because, to her, this wasn't a 'I can sleep with anyone I want to now and have no repurcussions', it was 'we're going to dislike each other and I need to clear my head from the relationship before coming back to you'.  
There was no ill intent. No scouting for others. And she thought – or more so hoped – that Negan would be looking at it in the same way without having to be told.

Rick's turn and his cheeks already flushed from the alcohol grew redder as the blonde girl, with a doughy face, who looked out of place almost in the crowd that jostled with confident individuals. Her aura imitated humility, but there was an undercurrent of something Michonne couldn't put her thumb on as Rick met her half way, their lips meeting in what looked to be a peck until the girls hands snaked their way to the back of his head.  
"Go on Jessie!" Someone from the crowd barked, getting the rest of them riled up until Rick pulled away a little too harshly and got booed as he came to sit down.  
"Nice one." Michonne whispered as she grabbed the bottle. Rick shrugged as he gulped down the last of the beer in his cup.

Her spin landed her on a boy that reminded her of Negan. The courage imprinted on his smile, in his hands when he grabbed her waist like he would find gold there… until he started to lean too far forward, his weigh pressed on her.  
"Man down!" One of the boys cried, resulting in them grabbing him just before he crashed them both to the ground in his drunken slumber.  
In her drunk state, Michonne merely laughed and picked back up her drink. "Looks like I'm not kissing any boys today!" And passed it onto Sasha, who laughed along with her.

Then it landed on Shane, who turned to face Sasha like a yearning dog who had been restrained from love for years. And this time it was dirtier, more intimate, him confidently handling her small body like an answer to his calling when he pulled her onto his lap in front of everyone and they kissed deeply.  
The clearing of people's throats an indication to them that they should leave.  
So they did, walking up the stairs still wrapped up in each other, like the vibrations of the music couldn't be felt in their feet.

Suddenly she felt alone.

"Can we go home now?" She whispered.

Rick complied with the sadness in her eyes.

* * *

Michonne had planted herself on his bed, slipping off her shoes as the room still spun. But Rick stayed a confident constant, and she smiled at the message of it.

She didn't want to be alone, didn't want to have to listen to her heart or the way that her mind ran, like a clock, ticking and ticking.  
"I hate being alone." Michonne admitted as Rick looked at her from his chair. Stared at the beautiful way her cleavage grabbed the light of his room, how her red lipstick still stained her lips and her make up hadn't yet ceased to exist. The confession was deep and quiet and made him feel vulnerable.

Alcohol is a powerful thing.

"I think you're beautiful 'Chonne." Liquid confidence allowed him to look her in the eye as he said it, saw the slight squirm of shock that came with the statement. "And I hate your fucking boyfriend or whatever he is now."  
She giggled, rationalising it in her drunken state that they were both just not who they would normally be. "You're lying." Michonne stood up and walked up to him, close and daring and burning. "On the second account, of course I'm beautiful. But so are you. Kissing that girl in truth or dare like you needed her to breathe."

"I'd kiss you if you let me." The intensity in his eyes made her warm in a good way.

"You're lying." She wasn't quite sure.

"Dare me." Rick's voice thickened and Michonne lost all of her sense.

"What?"

"Dare me to kiss you."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because-"

"Because what?"

"Fine! I dare you to kiss me."

And Rick moved like a sprinter at the sound of a gun, capturing her face with his strong hands and bringing her lips to his. Grasping her bottom one between his teeth as his hands moved skilfully to the rest of her body.

And they moaned into each other, losing themselves in the rich feeling of excitement and pleasure they hadn't felt for their former partners for some time.  
The guilt slipped away, bullied into submission by all the other emotions being felt.

He lifted her onto his desk, loving the way her back arched as she pulled her top over her head.  
It was a fit of fury as they removed clothing items and rejoined to kiss like they couldn't stand the distance.  
His strong hands roamed her body, like a foreign land. Her breasts soft just like her skin, her moans excited him as he sucked on her buds and found his fingers between her wet folds, loving how smooth she felt.  
Rick kissed down, excited that his fantasy was about to become reality and parted her legs.  
Michonne was not shy as she rested on that desk, propping her legs on his shoulders as he kissed her thighs and then moved on her centre, making her mouth form a large O as she silenced herself, whilst moving against his tongue.

Rick knew what he was doing, had fantasised about it so many times and read about all the techniques, putting out all the stops for Michonne. Writing the alphabet, changing the speed, flicking and sucking like all he wanted was to feel the squeeze of an orgasm from her… and he got just that.  
"Fuck." She moaned, twitching and looking at him with a lust in her eyes that wasn't over.

Michonne wanted to feel him inside her, like a calling that couldn't be ignored. She had always wondered what it would be like with him, and from the way he had grabbed her thighs whilst eating her, it would be enjoyable.  
She didn't think as she knelt on the bed on all fours, looking back at him as she put her face down towards the mattress.

Michonne felt dirty, but good, and satisfied… already. It was a new feeling that even in her drunken state she wasn't sure how to handle.  
Rick slipped on a condom and positioned himself behind her. She looked good, her ass defined and smooth when he rubbed it, then hit it receiving a moan from her that made his dick twitch in response.  
He was excited to be with her, not only because many nights had been taken up thinking about the day, but because he wanted her to change her mind. To maybe look at him in a new light. To see where it could go.

Rick took his time, going in and out with the tip, Michonne's moans muffled by the bed sheets, until she hated the teasing and held her head up whilst she leant back on him and watched his face. Watch how he bit his tongue when she took all of him in, then rocked her waist to create a steady rhythm for them both.

Then they fucked like they had always wanted to, Rick deep and grunting into her, Michonne moaning into her arm as he changed pace whenever he needed to. They fell in love with the sound of her ass smacking against him, and they fell in love when Michonne's legs over his shoulders in missionary where he pounded her and sucked on her earlobe, where she moaned his name like it was the sweetest sound.

And she mounted him, her breasts bouncing as her eyes closed when she got close to an orgasm.  
Even here she was beautiful. Her curves strong, the sweat beading across her forehead like a crown.  
God, the view of her fucking him, her tightness on his dick, working up and down.  
The sensations, the sound, the sweat, all too much for Rick to handle all at once.  
"I'm gonna cum." He moaned out as she rode him, her hips frantic with the closeness of an orgasm just in view.  
"Ah, ah, Rick," she purred his name as she tightened on him, her hips bucking in response to the orgasm that travelled along every fibre in her body. Rick finished, squeezing his eyes so hard he could see stars.

Michonne slid off his body and they both filled their lungs.

The awkwardness set.

There had been a boundary that had been crossed. Like a finish line ribbon cut too prematurely.

"Are you okay?" He asked, touching the inside of her thigh, causing her to shiver.  
"That was the best sex I've had, Rick." That wasn't the answer. "I don't know if I am." That was.  
He took her hand in his and that's how they laid for a few minutes, looking into each other's eyes and trying to gather whether what they wanted was in one another.  
Whether today was a concrete commitment between them both.

Her heart ached.

It was confused.

Rick wanted to kiss her.

Michonne wanted to kiss him. To slip underneath him again and feel his warmth.

But she thought about Negan. About how long this break was meant to last. What she would have under her belt.

Michonne fell asleep, dreaming of an ocean that reminded her of Rick's eyes.

And Rick slipped from her, removed the condom, washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. Questioning who he was, what he had just broken and what he may have just made.

Then he slipped back next to her, covering their bodies with the covers all over again and held her until he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

The incessant ring of Rick's phone woke him up, the hangover making his head pound as Michonne grumbled next to him. The feeling of her plump behind against him arousing him almost immediately.

He didn't look at the caller I.D. as he swiped his phone absent-mindedly, "Hello?" His voice was thick and groggy.  
"Hey, it's me! I came to surprise you, come outside and get me!"

And with the squeal of Lori's voice, both of them were now fully awake.


	9. The uncertainty

Lori returned like the first gulp of hard liquor at the back of your throat – harsh, but expected.

Michonne had never moved so fast in her life, grabbing the remainder of her clothes and dashing across the hall where she quickly unlocked her door, then pressed herself against it.

She breathed as though she had just run a marathon, her heart following in the same manner of imitation.  
The situation had dawned on her in her sleep, the reoccurring sensation of what had happened when he was in between her legs followed her.  
But dreams are never straight forward and can often find a way of becoming nightmares with guilt, so she found the presence of Negan every time Rick was in her mind.

Like they were fighting for importance.

The anguish hit her the same time the throbbing of her head did, and parts of her ached on the inside, where simple soothing words couldn't solve the hurt.  
Is this what guilt felt like?  
That wasn't like her, to get so caught up in the moment even if her head was spinning.

But, Rick made her feel something also. With how soft he was, how his eyes traced her face at times with an awe and admiration she tasted her tongue and once she swallowed it, had engulfed her chest with such warmth.

And she was on a break.

But that was hypocrisy and she knew it.

And it grated at her mind as she lay in bed allowing the thoughts to circle, whether she should tell him or not. Whether it was worth it. Whether she'd want to know what he was up to on the break.  
The uncertainty lulled her back to sleep an hour or so after she entered her room.

Xx

 _Oh shit oh shit oh shit._

Rick mumbled as he stumbled into clothes and ran his hands through his hair, scanning the room for his dorm key so he could go and get Lori.  
Lori in her jeans and jumper.  
Lori and her brown hair.  
Lori and her perfect timing.

And she arrived like a results day. Something that was pushed to the back of your mind until you were ready to face it. He wasn't yet ready to face it.  
Had been pushing it back to the depths of his mind while he filled his time with fun. With Michonne.

Michonne who made him burn at the edges and curl into himself.  
Made him unsure and raw.  
Like the beginning should be. Like a relationship should be if it has any chance of surviving anyway.

He knew why she was back, the call of her like a siren. Deadly, but familiar.  
But it didn't compare to the spark that had found him yesterday as he traced Michonne's skin, as he held the plump of her behind in his hands while she rode him on top, the feel of her intoxicating.

Guilt still plagued him… but so did anger.  
She had called on the break. What did she want from him?  
Loyalty?  
A fight?

Was he even worth wanting them things from if they had never crossed his mind?  
The half-full glass that had encompassed who he was swayed, the water never still and unsure.  
What would he do in front of her big eyes? Confess, fall to his knees and ask for a mercy he wasn't sure that he wanted.

What this meant was fully letting go.

And when she entered his room, he was afraid she'd smell the lust of last night. Afraid that the mingling of their bodies had left marks that only Lori's eyes could see.  
But she didn't. She lay across the bed, breathing in deeply and looking at the ceiling, making Rick cringe with anticipation.

"I missed you." Her voice teased, the openness of it surprising to him. Sometimes you couldn't tell whether Lori was being honest, or telling a lie, there were countless games he had played in the years. Rick contemplated how he would reply. It would be a lie to say he missed her for the right reasons, but the guilt shaded his logic and he wanted to give her something that almost didn't make him feel like shit. Still… he bit his tongue. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Why are you back Lori?" Rick bit back, looking directly into her eyes.  
Her body shifted with that, cold and metallic, not in one fluid movement. "Because I missed you. I just said that." The crossing of his hands over his chest, coupled with the tightening of his jaw made her flustered, stumbling over her words. "I-I… I didn't want a break, I thought that something would change and it didn't…" Her jaw hung open. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry won't cut it Lori." He spat, facing away from her to the desk he had placed Michonne on just the night before. He remembered the feeling of her in his mouth, the soft of her bud, the plump of her tongue. They needed to talk, he needed to see her face and see where this was going, if it was going anywhere. If her guilt was strong or there at all.

"I'm back now Rick," the tears made her eyes sparkle.

 _Fuck._

 _Fuck._

"Can we put this to rest, God, it's making my head hurt!" Rick banged his fist on the table, making her jump.  
"Didn't you miss me?" Lori ignored his request, snaking her arms around his stomach until he shimmied her off.

Rick breathes steady, looking her in the eyes.

And he was disgusted in himself for his indecisiveness. How it depended on Michonne. How a fear of being alone, navigating University to prove to someone else that he was worthy, seemed like such a daunting task.

"Can you get a movie on?"

The sudden request shocked her, but she complied, shaking her head obediently and taking his laptop from him to then sit on the bed.

"I'll be right back, just give me a few minutes to run to the shop and get some snacks."

* * *

Her door opened as she stepped out of the shower, grabbing the towel tighter around her as she saw Rick standing there, his eyes filled with a slight irrationality.

"Michonne," he whispered stepping closer to her. Taking her all in. Understanding how the risk of being here was lovely to him, making his heart hammer in his chest, his fingers tingle. He kept stepping closer as her feet remained planted to the ground.

"Rick, Lori is here." She breathed when he was so close, he could feel the remanence of the hot shower from her skin. Her body, although it had been racked with guilt just hours ago, was now wet and bothered. It wanted to feel the pleasure of him again.  
The focus he had on her body right now, the way his eyes flicked over the beads of water on her shoulder, and the plump of her cleavage.

But she was good.

"Rick we can't, she's right there." Her body jolted as he took her hand, the blue eyes trying to gage where they stood, how fast her heart was beating and how much of it was beating for him.  
"Tell me you don't feel something." His voice dipped with the shame of a confession and the fear of being rejected.

Because all of him wanted her.

Now.

"Rick."

And he kissed her with all the force that he had, grabbing her jaw and slipping his tongue in. At first the hunger in his kisses wasn't matched, a certain uncertainty within her wanted to hold back. To stay loyal to whatever she was in. But then she fell into a rhythm, she kissed him back and gave into the call of her body.

Gave into wrapping her hands around his neck so that the towel dropped from her and Rick groaned into her mouth as his hands snaked to her behind, grabbing it and pulling her towards him, towards the bed, where they fell, her below.

They kissed for a few more seconds until Rick decided to kiss down her body, receiving soft moans as he did so. She said his name, the guilt of it heavy on her tongue but overridden by the pleasure she felt as his mouth covered her bud.  
Rick held her legs and licked her, eating her like it was the only way to her heart. And he wasn't ashamed to admit he loved the taste of her, loved the uniqueness of it, how it wasn't too sweet or too bitter.  
God, he loved the way she sounded for him. Their hushed moans like sin in the boxed room.

And she wanted him as she came for him, whimpering as he carried on past her climax.

They huffed, a small smile spreading on his face, bittersweet as he remembered what he would have to return to.

"What are we doing Rick?" Michonne breathed, not looking at him, the tingle still spreading around throughout her legs.

"I don't know Michonne." He was honest and open and raw.

And she wanted to kiss him for his sincerity.


	10. The confession (2)

**I do not condone cheating. But on a side note, I'm having major difficulty writing this story. I think it will be finished in the next two chapters. I think I'm more of an emotional, in depth writer (like my previous story - Undiluted therapy). But it's okay, I have a new idea for Richonne and I really am excited to write it. A/N!**

* * *

"Negan is coming tomorrow Rick."

"So is Lori."

They had been in limbo for a week. Guilt had ridden along with their hands up each other's thighs and ached whenever they met at each other's centres.  
But neither of them could stop. The taste of the other's skin was something intoxicating, made the room spin, made them chase orgasms they thought were impossible and ride them until the vibrations stopped in their legs.

"You can't look at me like that." Michonne finished her yogurt and leaned back into the kitchen chair, surveying him, trying not to curl into herself as his eyes undressed her and made her want to twirl locs around her finger.  
Some twisted part of her like the control she had over him.

Liked the way she could sneak looks at him while Shane, Sasha and Andrea flooded the kitchen complaining about course work or assessment and would never not catch his eyes.  
Those blue orbs looked at her and wanted her like she was something more, something great. Something to desire and eat – and he did, the way he made her wrap her legs around his neck.

"Like what?" Rick alluded, almost smirking.

He liked to cross his arms, never missing the way her eyes glazed over them. Michonne had mentioned it one night as they kissed heavily and brimming with regret, 'I love your hands' she had kissed them then, looking up as she slid down his body, 'I love how they grab me'.  
It had filled his head for the days that followed, where they pranced around each other like accidents waiting to happen.  
But they weren't accidents.  
They were choices and they were wrong.  
And both of them found themselves numbing down the thoughts that reminded them of how wrong it was. And they dumbed down the thoughts that validated their actions.

The only emotions they balanced were ecstasy on the nights they lay together and guilt the following few days.

"You know."

The seriousness of her tone and the ever-changing atmosphere was something Rick had gotten used to since this began. He understood it, the fight she had within her to do something like this.  
Admittedly, he knew how to leave the situation, to break up with Lori and find his way into Michonne's room with no guilt attached to him.

But in the day time, his mind would be consumed by thoughts of Michonne and only in the silence of the night would he find his morale.

"I'm going to bed." Michonne stood up, picking up her empty yogurt pot and spoon. Her swift exit was stopped by Rick, who's lean build stood too close to her and made her hot in places she was still ashamed of.  
"Do you love Negan?" Rick dared to ask, the cool of his breath finding her cheek as he leaned closer to her ears.  
"Do you love Lori?"

Rick gulped down the truth for fear of what it would carry in the universe.

"How does Negan make you feel?"

Michonne hated how close he was, how there was a soft tremble down her right arm that had appeared when he rested his head on her shoulder. The thought of how close his lips were to her neck made their hearts race.

"How does Lori make you feel?"

Her throat was dry.

"You keep avoiding my question." Rick withdrew his body with frustration. A nagging frustration that formed in him when he saw the biting of her lip, the only irritation that she expressed. The hurt of embarrassment and confusion found him then, made him step back and turn away from her and walking out of the kitchen door.

* * *

The first thing that Michonne noticed upon seeing Negan was his dishevelled hair and red eyes, like he hadn't slept, like something was wrong.  
And her heart almost skipped when he picked her up and swirled her around, but it didn't because Rick stood close by waiting for Lori to turn up.  
She could swear there was a flicker of tension in his jaw.

But Michonne closed her eyes as Negan's lips found hers and attempted to find familiarity within it.

Maybe it was her own guilt that let her kiss him so easily.

And maybe it was the thought of it hurting Rick that made her cut it short.

"It's so nice to see you, Mich," Negan's dark eyes sparkled. "I'm sorry." The confident smile that followed made her somewhat uneasy. But who was she to have such a feeling? "Hey Rick." Negan turned beside them to stick out a hand to him.

The tension that rose in Michonne's chest made her ribs ache with pressure. Rick was unreadable to her, and that hadn't happened before.  
After he had left the kitchen last night, she had drunk a long drink of water before knocking on his door, a soft rap that no one could have heard but him. And yet he didn't answer. And they hadn't spoken in the morning or coming down the stairs and it hurt in the throbs of her heart.

But then his sloppy smile broke as he shook his hand, going into small general chatter, although he didn't want to. Although Rick wanted to shake Negan and tell him to leave her, to stop leeching onto her and let her grow.  
He hated the air of cocky attitude that followed Negan and felt like an edgy comment was always on the tip of his tongue.

But then Lori arrived, looking perfectly put together like always. Her hair straight, her lips pink and her big eyes innocent. She kissed him simply, less passionately that Michonne did in the nights where they found each other restless.

And maybe that memory was why he stopped the kiss so quickly.

"You know what, how 'bout we go grab a quick lunch after we put our bags down?" Negan suggested as they walked up the stairs.  
The string that bound Rick and Michonne together drew tight, pulling the awkward tension with it.  
Rick's mouth was dry.  
Their eyes finally found each other's as Negan and Lori waited, unaware of the unspoken grief between them.

Rick didn't want the apology that sat in her eyes. He didn't want to give Negan the satisfaction of her. And he wanted to wrap his arms around her, to feel the warmth of her back like he had at 4am and to hear her gasp at the feeling of his lips on her neck.  
But, gathering all the common sense in him, he smiled.

"Sure."

* * *

"So Rick when was the last time you went to visit Lori?" Negan looked at him expectantly, the soft smirk on his face sickening.  
"Why'd you ask?" Rick hated how his body reacted to Negan, his chest puffed, his eyes cut, his muscles flexed in preparation for battle.  
"Because you and Michonne," queue the deer in headlights look as Rick and Michonne's eyes meet, their palms beginning to sweat. "Never seem to visit us, how comes?"

The breath Michonne released came short before the slap she playfully placed on his shoulder. "Some of us don't have the funds to run up and down, isn't that right Rick?" Her warm smile almost thawed all the annoyance Rick had towards her.  
"I don't think you can talk for Rick with all due respect Michonne." Lori sipped her milkshake and gave her a fake smile. "I want to know his reason myself."

Blue eyes cut brown and Rick sighed, running his hands through his hair. The expression he wore reminding Michonne of his face just before an orgasm, a slight look of pain that triggered her to move her hips faster and clench down on him.  
As she sat across from him, her bare legs dipped forward and her foot tapped his, amusing him and trying to take him away from the situation.  
The smile on his face in response confused Lori who sat beside him, "Well Rick?"

"Lori, everyone is having a good time, there's no reason to get serious."  
The sudden clap of Negan's hands made everyone jump at the table, and they followed his eyes to the waitress who placed down their food. "Thank you," he winked, "You came at the right time." The joke fell flat with the waitress who simply smiled and left.

Awkwardness stomped in the atmosphere and every time Negan opened his mouth to make a joke the response was short and bitter, like Lori wasn't content with everything, the rasp in her laugh tiresome. Eventually, everyone could breathe when she decided to use the toilet. And both Rick and Michonne could breathe when Negan soon followed her.

"You keep playing footsie with me Michonne, stop." Rick hissed with no passion behind it, because he loved it. Hated the sick feeling that crept into his throat when he looked at the scenario surrounding them. The two people that sat beside them unaware of what was going on. How every look in each other's eyes was a mutual secret, a tease that made him remember how she tasted and how good it was.

"Lori doesn't like me." Michonne stated.

"She shouldn't."

"Why?"

"Because you make me feel things she doesn't make me feel anymore."

There it was, the heart racing feeling again as she watched his lips. Those lips had found her sensitivity and drunk her honey when she moaned his name and saw stars.

"Like what?"

"I just had the longest conversation with some cool guy at the urinal!" Negan returned to the table aiming directly at Rick for a hi-five.

* * *

"Why are you awake Michonne?"

It was 1am and Michonne had slithered her way to the kitchen. Most of the night had been spent reassuring Negan that he didn't have to make love to her so soon, that they could take their time to rebuild themselves. He had only given up after he received a handjob, then slept peacefully as she tossed and turned, thinking over Rick's comment.

She watched him as he leaned against the sink, his jaw tense and his eyes heavy with something. The stubble of his beard was growing in, making him look mysterious and beautiful. She had always commented on that, loved how rough it felt between her thighs.

"The truth?" Michonne bartered, watching the way his body responded to her teasing. "I was thinking of you." The timid part of her came out at that moment, not allowing her to look into his eyes as she walked towards him. "You're making me a mess and it's frustrating, it's confusing."

He didn't speak as she rested her body beside his at the sink. "Negan makes me feel something, old and familiar… but tiring. Like he has an old me. And you… have a new me, that's unafraid, that orgasms, that flirts underneath a table even though it's unethical." The scrunching of her eyebrows made Rick want to kiss her and stirred the hardness between his legs.

"You make me feel love." It was almost a whisper that Michonne didn't catch. But she did. And it branded her with guilt and awe that flowed in waves as they kissed and walked to the hide beside the cover of the refrigerator, where Rick put one of her legs over his shoulder and ate her until she came repeating his name and her mouth found him and his finishing.

* * *

 _Rick: We need to leave them Michonne. I can't be without you. She doesn't compare to you._

 _Michonne: I know I know_

 _Michonne: I think I love you_

 _Rick: Then please_

 _Rick: Let me love you_


	11. The decision

**A/N: I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, reread the whole story so you can remember everything (haha). I'm in this process of change and growth and that's why I've been away. Thanks for being on this journey with me.**

* * *

"And Glenn, I wish you could meet him, but he's visiting family." Maggie's eyes grew dreamy as she let out a breath and Michonne could feel the envy crawling into her heart. But it wasn't bitter. It just had a similar wanting, to feel that way when she thought about Negan.

In the few days since she had last seen Negan, and begged for the release of an orgasm, which never came unless he came, Michonne had given into the urge to confess to someone.  
The guilt had run through her entire body and pooled in the pit of her consciousness, where it sprung into every conversation. Every hint of a word would loop its way to relate to her unruly behaviour, or how Rick's biceps flexed when he lay on top her and the blue of his eyes made her wet and incoherent.

The weekend with Negan had left her hungry to the point where her mind would wonder as she revised, and her hands craved to be wrapped around Rick and to feel the warmth of his relief.  
It was hard to be around him, to watch his rest his palm on any surface that wasn't her thighs or to drum the table like he would her centre piece.

They would find each other in little ways, leaving for class together at the same time even if meant having to take a detour in a library if one was a little earlier than the other. Their pinkies would touch on the way down the stairs, but you wouldn't know unless you really watched them and felt the aura of the lust between them.

He would wait for her after class and think about her while he did so, his mind creating scenarios of kissing her against doors and near corners where they couldn't get caught. Where his hands would roam under her shirt, and Michonne's breath would send jolts of energy down his spine.  
And Rick often wondered whether she wore things just for him – new lace underwear had found it's way to their sessions – or for Negan too, and thoughts of Negan would find their place when he was deep inside her and demanded her to say his name.

She was a siren when she sung his name so close to an orgasm, the pitch so sweet when he captured her mouth to muffle her moans he would taste cotton candy and cum too soon.  
But when they lay together after and turn to fall asleep, he'd think of how to end things with Lori. Lori would find the truth, her steel eyes analytical. As much as he wanted to say she didn't know him, that was a lie. Her lips remained pursed whenever Michonne was around, her tone would be minimal, and Rick knew she was watching, waiting for her evidence.

But no one deserves to find that evidence.

And Rick didn't want to be that guy.

Michonne sat thinking about the past few months, how it had unfolded, and how much of a confusing storm she felt in her chest. Her eyes burned.

And she wanted Rick to comfort her. But didn't want to be the bad guy.

Even though she was.

"Michonne, what's wrong?" Maggie's worried eyes and soft face made the tears fall, until Michonne resembled a hiccupping mess.

"I've really fucked up."

* * *

Shane answered the door flustered with a towel wrapped around his waist. "Hey-" His pitch changed when he saw it was Rick at the door. "Dude, I'm getting prepared." The cocky wink of his was quickly replaced with anxiety when he glanced at his watch and let Rick inside. "I ain't got long, like ten mins max."

Rick stood awkwardly against his desk, looking at the wall as Shane scurried around him to the bathroom.  
"Dude, so I have something-"  
"I'm breaking up with Lori." Rick interjected, still focused on the wall and still making his thoughts verbal. "And I've been sleeping with Michonne."  
In a flash Shane had his head peering out from the bathroom, a look of disbelief on his face presented itself before a shit eating grin did. "Oh boy!"  
"You're loud Shane."  
"And _you're_ fucking Michonne!"  
"Shane!" Rick sighed despite a smile wanting to form on his face.  
"Well since we're being honest, I'm getting ready to slam Sasha." Rick scoffed and went to sit on Shane's chair – the bed didn't seem like the best option after the sudden confession. "Yeah, I know. And _only_ her, it's crazy. After thinking I'd want to sling my dick around with other girls, they just don't hit it like she does."

"Shane, my man, you have changed."  
"Good pussy is the cause."  
"You think if she heard that she'd be happy?"  
"She kisses this mouth, so yeah. Anyway, you're a dog and what's screwing Michonne like?"

As Rick sat on the chair and looked at his hands, he felt a sense of peace. Admittedly, he knew that telling Shane would be like this and it helped, it made the process less daunting when the first person you told didn't judge you – or really _couldn't_ judge you due to their moral ground being about the same.  
He didn't want to get down to the nit and grit of the situation, he just wanted to feel like he had an anchor placed somewhere and so when his decision met the world, it wouldn't be shocking to everyone he knew.

The impending doom of telling Lori still stuck itself in his throat, her tears, her way of being, the drama that constantly followed her like a plague would release itself in his room if he sat her down gently and spoke too softly. Would the truth pass his lips or would he keep it in his cheeks to make the process easier, despite how selfish that may be.

It felt like this would be the step he had to take to be able to immerse himself in her, like he had been wanting to for so long. The need to tiptoe around each other would be done, he'd be able to kiss her in the hallway, or when he saw her on campus they'd be able to speak without their hearts racing like they'd be found out just by how their voices softened around each other.

"I'm not answering that Shane, but it does feel good to confess."  
"It won't feel good when you have to tell Lori." The scowl that sat on Rick's face must have disturbed the lightness in the air and made Shane chuckle. "Sorry man, it's the truth. You're going to have to sit her down, not here though, because she'll put two and two together. _I_ nearly put two and two together one time, your cheeks get way too red and you have no game."

It was true, every time Michonne left he'd look in the mirror and find his cheeks mimicking tomatoes and his fingers would still trace over the place she slept in his bed. He had gotten used to when she turned in the night and her locs would dance over his face.  
"I didn't think you'd have the balls to do it. I didn't think you'd get your balls in her to be honest. It's a miracle!" Shane came out only in a pair of boxers, gleaming and proud. "You good though?"  
Rick sighed and got up to leave, "Yeah, thanks Shane. Have a good… _session_."  
"One day, I'm going to make you call it what it is."

* * *

Michonne had finished crying and was sitting on Maggie's bed sipping on some peppermint tea, as Maggie ran over the scenario in her head. There had been so many questions that whenever Michonne regained composure, she would just lose it again.

"But you love him, this Rick?" Michonne would nod and tears would form and she'd be a mess when she thought about Negan, and how he had been the first to touch her in the way she let Rick do now.  
Her mind kept getting stuck in the past or the present, because as far as everyone else were concerned her and Negan were still a couple. Between them they were still a couple.

But Michonne liked how Maggie didn't look at her differently, how her eyes were more inquisitive than judgemental, but her words didn't totally let her escape from the guilt.  
"I know it's wrong Maggie," Michonne stated after she sipped at the hot tea. "But Negan, there is a love, but it's becoming more of a friendship love. Like I want to see him do the best he can and succeed. And maybe… there's a girl he fits better with, that communicates with him better than I do."

Maggie nodded slowly, "And you've tried to spice up your sex life with Negan?"  
"Tried? I've begged in ways and maybe I'm not clear enough, but maybe it's no use." She placed her drink down on the dresser nearby and reshuffled herself. "The way you talk about Glenn is the way I feel about Rick, like I can fully comprehend love now."  
"Michonne I get that you're becoming a lawyer but leave bigger words we don't _have_ to use for your class please."

She loved Maggie for her ability to break through tense air, whenever there was an emotional moment, you could bet on Maggie to make it less so. "It's not fair to do this to Negan, even if the way he loves you isn't enough. You need to go see him and finish it off with him there, okay?"  
The sigh that left her body had been stored up for far too long and drew her shoulders towards the centre of the earth. Michonne knew all this and hearing it from someone else's mouth just increased the urgency of it all.

Exams were soon and this situation needed to be put to rest, so her mind could focus and she could – albeit selfishly – find herself wrapped around Rick with no guilt affecting her train of thought.

* * *

"I told Shane," was the first thing Rick had said when Michonne found her way into the kitchen around 1am. They had danced around each other once more during the day, listening to when the others door would open and close, despite knowing that eventually at this time they would find each other again.

It seemed that the confessions they gave their friends had cut something in them and left them raw. It was no longer between them anymore; their sins were out for the world to see.  
"I told Maggie." She confessed as she sat down at the table, her usual yogurt pot in hand, but her eyes danced differently as they rested on Rick's face. They both knew something had changed and could almost pinpoint it on the idea of hope and a guiltless love blossoming between the two of them.

"He thinks I should break up with her but not here, she may put ' _two and two together'_ were his direct words."  
"Maggie thinks the same," Michonne sighed, the racing of her heart making her breathless and tired.  
She hated how he made her feel, like she was going crazy and unable to put her body together.  
This conversation was difficult, it was definite and hurtful and raw.  
So they both sealed their lips and looked at each other, urging the other to say something that'd help make the direction of what they were a little easier. Make the path a little clearer.  
But neither could.  
Their minds eventually wore onto more immediate things, like how each other's lips looked in the light, or how the bags that had formed under their eyes from the worry and shame made them look tired. And tiredness made them think of sleep, and how easy it came once they finished, their bodies still wrapped around each other and absorbing the warmth that came from their cores.

Its true that they would have acted on it, their hands slowly creeping over the table to meet, like lovers escaping in the night to a meeting point – had it not been for the swinging of the kitchen door and the sound of Sasha and Shane laughing.  
"Hey guys," Sasha commented, unaware of the tension running in the air, pulling up a seat next to Michonne and resting on her shoulder.  
"You smell like alcohol Sash, where have you been?" Michonne teased, her eyes not leaving Rick's, like an apology for the interruption of what could have been.  
She giggled and rested her head on Michonne's shoulder, a tinge of irritation finding Rick's stomach as he imagined himself doing that to her bare skin. "Shane took me out to a nice bar and kissed me like I was his, but I told him NO!" she slammed her hand on the table, "I'm my OWN!" The white of her teeth showed in a laugh, whereas Shane just shook his head.

"We get it Sasha," Shane rolled his eyes, "She's been repeating that the whole way home."  
"But you know I like you, and I make you feel things." Sasha mumbled into Michonne's shoulder, her eyes lulling to the sound of the night.  
"Your girlfriend's falling asleep." Rick stated, the excitement in his stomach bubbling up at the prospect of having Michonne to himself once more.  
"She doesn't want to be that yet," Shane said, lifting her up from Michonne and carrying her in his arms with a little obligatory protest from Sasha.  
"Because you are too good looking and your track record."

Shane sauntered out, shaking his head, leaving the kitchen free. But Michonne was different now, less focused, more aware of the feelings within her that hid themselves behind cells that lay dormant in areas, not ready to be awoken.  
And the feeling of love poured itself into her arteries and flowed with her blood to every organ and bathed her in a feeling of uncertainty.  
Because wasn't that love?  
A familiar uncertainty. Where the person could break your heart in ways you've never imagined and leave you breathless and chaotic. But you just trust them not to.

"You're beautiful Michonne." Rick stated, watching the rise and fall of her chest as thought, the soft glaze of her eyes endearing. "Let's do this. Together. We'll get over the shame, the anger, the awkwardness. I just want to have you." His voice broke, finally, as he stood up to walk over to her, the redness brimming his eyes. "I hate falling asleep alone now. I hate the stupid motion of brushing our hands, you know? Do you know? Everything hurts, and you sit there, beautiful, and it hurts."

Her mouth opened as her hand grabbed his. "Okay Rick." She mumbled. "Let's find a way."

And he kissed her like she was the last breathe he could take before going underwater.


End file.
